Please do not do anything to harm yourself. You are an important worthy person who deserves a better life. You need to talk to someone. Do you have a trusted friend or relative that you could talk to? You could talk to a therapist or a counselor who could help you to cope with what you are struggling with. You could go to AA meetings where you would get support.

You're not a disappointment my friend, this is just depression messing with your head. Please talk to your doc about getting on some meds. I can attest that meds do help. I've tried coming off my twice and both times I hit bottom. One of those times is right now. I know the pain you feel but it's a lie. Just remember you can and will get through this and come out the other side stronger and wiser!

Thank you for sharing. I would agree that you definitely aren't a disappointment. Sometimes we need others smiles as our own. We help them to help them with the benefit of not thinking about our own suffering. It takes a good person to ask about others as you yourself are suffering. Thank you for being a good person, as the world definitely needs more good people. I am a Christian, so you are in my prayers. Thank you.

What has been happening in the last few days to make things so draining, and is it connected with feeling like you're a disappointment? Many times, we're filled with lies about ourselves that keep us from sharing and being vulnerable with others. What are you silently battling that is preventing you from receiving just as you are giving?

You're not a disappointment. You sound very overwhelmed. I know how that feels. Remember that you are among friends here. Hugs

Several things...one disappointment can stem from unrealistic expectations we impose upon ourselves. 2 you're a kid. That's not a put down, is an observation that you haven't even lived long enough to really experience what life has to offer. Depression is like a living being that takes over your mind and controls your thoughts and actions. Self awareness isn't easy for many people, especially teenagers. For me, meds are bot the answer. People rely too heavily on drugs making them feel better, legal or otherwise, its the same shit, different seller. You have to become comfortable with yourself in your own skin. That can come from support from friends and family, a sense of accomplishment from work and or school. Your life isn't over, its barely started. Another note referring to your post. "If you love someone keep them around" its not our choice. Its faith. And I'm an atheist. People is what i believe in and sometimes my faith is misplaced and betrayed. Shit happens. You gotta do you. Be a real M F and eventually someone will notice you're worth keeping around, but it cant happen if you don't believe in you first. And stop drinking at age 19. Alcohol is a depressant, as in the next day you will feel worse amd that's why it becomes a cycle. Alcohol is actually the real gateway drug despite what the propaganda from your health class told you. It's the most readily accessible it's highly addictive it's incredibly self-destructive in at the end of the day it does not make you feel better he just got all sloppy and messed up and then the next day you feel like shit. Notice a pattern? Self awareness bro. Break the cycle. Stop drinking start walking or running. Moderate exercise is not for dorks but is a catharsis. It's a cleansing Purge where you have time to self-reflect and push feelings out of your body. If you're feeling pissed off hit the weight set or a boxing bag. If you're feeling depressed walk around a park. Try to avoid negative imagery. Watch comedy movies with friends. Avoid things with excessive violence or gore because then it just brings you down further. The thing with depression is that it is a self continuing cycle so you're going to have to give up things that have become familiar to you and disrupt your own routine and set yourself up to be happy which is something you are actually going to have to force it upon yourself because depression wants to live it wants to keep you socially isolated it wants to keep you on the couch feeling sorry for yourself so that it can go on living and controlling your body. You almost have to fragment Part of Yourself. It is not easy because many people lose the battle because they may not even realize a battle is taking place and you have to take a page out of Martin Luther King's book and apply the social message inwardly to yourself. The only way to defeat hate is through love. Depression is a form of self hatred in the way to defeat it is to wake up and become cool with yourself. This may also sound weird but another facet of defeating depression is eating well. Avoid high sodium things like Chinese food and fast-food because even though they taste delicious they will make your body sluggish and slow and can actually make you feel depressed all by themselves. Not eating at all causes your blood sugar to drop and that makes you feel depressed also. You're only 19 but you clearly have Google which means you can look up how to cook for yourself and that is pretty freaking cool when you can make something that is delicious that makes you feel good that you did all by yourself and you didn't need help for it's another form of self empowerment. I'm not saying eat kale smoothies. But maybe pan sautee some chicken breast with some sweet onions peppers and garlic maybe serve it over a little jasmine rice, then clean up, go outside, get some air and sun (evem though ots nearly winter) it is what it is. Even the short days can exaserbate depression. The Solstice is only a month away and the days will start getting longer again. Lather rinse repeat dude. Life is as simple or as complicated as we make it no mattet what's thrown at us. Depression blinds us from the good shit thats available and turns your focus to the negative. Its not easy by any strech, but its definitely do able. And this is from someone who has battled depression for years and dealt with death and betrayal and yet I press on. I am Not special. But I am a real MF and im cool with me. My work is not done. We both have to keep pressing on....