I dont want to feel this way, I want to heal a d be better

you are not trash and you do deserve Good. I went through abuse and I know how it can twist the way you feel about yourself.You are not alone.

Yes I feel like God hates me and when I try to be a better person others resent me and try to tear me down. Being born poor abused trash is a curse.

Hi Desperate4life84, Have you been to any Medical Specialist? Our Daughter , whom we never would have thought had a mental problem because of her high intellect level, had to commit herself into a Rehab center. Much of her problem back then was environmental and some because we were always fighting in the home, well , not physical fighting . It took me many years before I realized my wife had a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it affected our children to the extent they had social adjustment problems. I'm sure my own insecurities had much to do with it as I was abused as a child, but my wife has a horrible compassion to control everyone in the family's lives until it almost destroyed our marriage and family. The older boy was able to adjust as he seemed to be the one who discovered his mother's inabilities first. But the daughter nearly went crazy trying adjust to the demands her Mother put on her. This is not a woman by any means who is cruel or revengeful or malicious by any means. But we see signs of hoarding that her Father had as well in their history, and her family split up after being married 51 years and I swore that I would never do that with our family once I confirmed it was mental disorder and social disorder. You would never discover it until you were around us a great deal and when you did realize what was going on you wouldn't stick around for too long as a friend. Distant friendships are great but I personally can say that my wife was so insecure of my own friends that in many ways she would make them so uncomfortable they wouldn't be around for very long...So I just grew accustomed to entertaining myself with fitness and running....I ran for hours.....Didn't understand why at the time. I also always had 3 jobs as I owned a business, worked 40 hrs for the other guy and was in the military for 20 plus years. Now, I understand why. Worse thing was that my wife never would seek help. I think she got on medications but would never tell me. I sought professional advise but without my wife being present , the professional deemed it impossible to treat.
My solution in dealing with this besides the physical fitness routines was my God....The deeper I delved into the Word of God the stronger and more peaceful I became...I remember the first time I told my wife I wasn't going to her church any more because of the Dogmatic teaching and routine preachings each year only to repeat itself over and over . Then I branched off and began buying Bibles. I have a collection of them in the last 25 years. This should give you an idea of how long it took me to cope with all this.
Another major change was when I threatened to leave and live on my own. I told my wife if she didn't get help and change I couldn't stick around because it was ruining my own health.....Only then do I think she realized how serious I was. within few short years she lost her two Brothers, her Father, and other relatives. She gradually began to come around, but the hoarding got worse tho it's not too bad; not any more than what the average empty nest mother collects and ends up absorbing my section of the garage. So my truck sleeps outside. Hey, life's a give and take and I haven't been a peach either. I'm obstinate, aggravating because I'm so analytical about most matters that I can bore a cow in a pasture...
I don't know why I felt compelled to run off at the mouth but I hope some of this at the very least shows you that we are all in the same boat but you should never allow a person to put his or her hands on you in an abusive manner. And you should never allow a person to put you down for any reason especially if you know it's not true. Most abusive people come from abusive homes or saw abuse in their earlier lives.
I will begin praying for you and yours and please keep us up to date on your progress. Best thing to do is seek help and join support groups. This is a good start but it's not personalized to fit your situation.
In God's love