Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I've cut since I was about 11 years old. I'm now 25. Cutting is my comfort, my control and I won't/can't give it up. I've tried several times, but I always relapse because there is nothing good in my life.
For the first time this year, a work colleague noticed the scars on my arms. I've been there for 7 years now and I never exactly wear long sleeves, but this woman took great offence to the scars on my arms. She's always been a bit up herself anyway, but the things she was saying to me were ridiculous.
Apparently I'm just trying to be trendy, I should be ashamed copying what others do to look cool. She had plenty more insults for me, but she also decided to tell my mother about the cuts on my arms. I hate that the company I work for knows my mother, but that's the trouble with a family owned business.
So when my mother found out, she slapped me square across the face and said 'How dare you embarrass me like that. How do think this makes me look as a mother?'
Now me and my mother have never exactly been close, but I wanted to say to her it makes you look like a pretty s*** one if you never noticed before. I didn't. Because I don't speak. You'd think people would notice that quicker than some old scars, but they don't.
I've never been so mad in my entire life. I think I'm more mad that she didn't notice all that time. I started around 11 years old and I was living under my mother's roof until I was 21. If cutting really is a cry for help like my doctor keeps telling me then my cries have gone unnoticed for a decade by my own mother.
I was 6 months cut free until last night. It's been a day since and I feel shaky and agitated like I want to cut, but I'm too mad still to do anything. I didn't go into work today and I seriously can't be bothered tomorrow either. I was starting to feel in a okay-ish place again where I could exist without the thought of suicide on my mind all the time, but I'm right back where I started and I hate myself even more for letting this get to me.
I don't have a support network. None of my friends know or care. I'm not close with my family and I don't trust people enough to talk to. If I died tomorrow, no one would care or notice. I'm completely and utterly alone.
For the first time this year, a work colleague noticed the scars on my arms. I've been there for 7 years now and I never exactly wear long sleeves, but this woman took great offence to the scars on my arms. She's always been a bit up herself anyway, but the things she was saying to me were ridiculous.
Apparently I'm just trying to be trendy, I should be ashamed copying what others do to look cool. She had plenty more insults for me, but she also decided to tell my mother about the cuts on my arms. I hate that the company I work for knows my mother, but that's the trouble with a family owned business.
So when my mother found out, she slapped me square across the face and said 'How dare you embarrass me like that. How do think this makes me look as a mother?'
Now me and my mother have never exactly been close, but I wanted to say to her it makes you look like a pretty s*** one if you never noticed before. I didn't. Because I don't speak. You'd think people would notice that quicker than some old scars, but they don't.
I've never been so mad in my entire life. I think I'm more mad that she didn't notice all that time. I started around 11 years old and I was living under my mother's roof until I was 21. If cutting really is a cry for help like my doctor keeps telling me then my cries have gone unnoticed for a decade by my own mother.
I was 6 months cut free until last night. It's been a day since and I feel shaky and agitated like I want to cut, but I'm too mad still to do anything. I didn't go into work today and I seriously can't be bothered tomorrow either. I was starting to feel in a okay-ish place again where I could exist without the thought of suicide on my mind all the time, but I'm right back where I started and I hate myself even more for letting this get to me.
I don't have a support network. None of my friends know or care. I'm not close with my family and I don't trust people enough to talk to. If I died tomorrow, no one would care or notice. I'm completely and utterly alone.
You are right, your mother should be ashamed of herself for not noticing; perhaps she is attacking you as a way of denying her role in all of this. I know it is hard, but you might need to put some emotional distance between you and your mother. I have other friends here who have put such distance between them and their mothers.
Perhaps you should look for a new job. One that gives you a bit of a fresh start.
And as of 9:29 pm EST 2/23/2016 you are no longer completely and utterly alone; this is because you took the first step to reach out! You also have 3 people (as of "now") who have taken time out of their (my) day to think of you and try to say something that might help! We do this freely because others have taken time out of their days to make us feel like we belonged to something other than ourself.
And your story, while the details make it unique to you, is familiar to many people here. Parts of their (my) journey may be of help to you. So please, get to know us. Take what works and disregard the rest!
Gentle hugs
GBU
DRENA B
;-O
You need to separate yourself away from the family. I had a mother who didn't notice incest, and being beaten up on the way home from school. She isn't aware of this, she just happens to be totally interested in her own thing, even now, and doesn't pay any attention. Feeling hurt is a waste of pain with people like that because they're certainly never going to change.
Also: if she slaps you again, slap her straight back, just as hard. You still don't need to talk: but you do need to learn not to carry her. You were the sponge and she offloaded her feelings onto you. Did you spot that? Send it straight back. Never let her offload that onto you again. Just one slap, just as hard if not harder. Possibly accompanied by 'don't you DARE (whack) slap me.'
If you'd done it back you probably wouldn't have cut. Do you see? You're internalising anger.
The last thing is the most important.
I spent most of my life thinking I was different, and that nobody cared. What i didn't know, and what you need to know: everyone's the same, and mostly we all care.
Anyone over thirty definitely. You CAN talk to your workmates. You CAN talk to your friends. It's okay. You can let some stuff out. We can all hack it, and a lot of us have been there ourselves. It's amazing, I'd say most people either have had depression or know someone who has nowadays. It's just better understood and known.
Oh I have a PS. when I smoked I didn't think I could give it up because I needed it to survive the issues I was enduring. Once I got rid of the husband and the 500kg of stress a day he landed on the family, I was in a better position to quit. And I did. So never say never, work towards the outcome you want and you may just be surprised. Get some counselling, definitely, go to your local church if you can't afford it, because pastoral care is free if you're part of the flock. ;) And Christians are very loving and understand things like feelings and desire for justice. You could be pleasantly surprised.
:) all the best. don't be shy: we're all the same. Everyone's the same inside.
Maybe you can get out and do something nice for yourself today? you don't deserve to suffer because other people have bad attitudes.