Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
A few months ago started a nightmare that has progressively gotten worse. My life was never peaches and cream, but when I thought it couldn't get worse life took it as a challenge. I had to put my beloved cat to sleep in February. It was a traumatic event, and i posted about it on here. It was the first time I really had been face to face with death because I held him as he passed. It effected me profoundly especially since he seemed scared. I didn't have time to grieve properly because a few days later my bf of many years ended up driving home drunk, getting in a car accident where he ran the car my family gave him into a cop car, and got shot at which by the grace of God didn't kill him. He then went to jail.
I sort of numbed out at this time. I checked out, and met a group of not the best people who enabled me. I began to drink heavy. Whenever it hurt I shut off and drank. My close friends weren't there for me but these strangers were, and with them came alcohol. I behaved badly....I acted wild at the clubs we went to. I was not myself. I began dating one guy, but he was too "nice" so i dumped him for it. I didnt have empathy because I couldn't feel. I should have never even have gotten involed with the other guy. I ignored my bfs frenzied calls from jail until the night he got out, and only because he caught me off guard. I began to talk to him again only because he promised to go to rehab.
I did a lot of damage while he was away. He forgave me pretty quick because of what he did. He relapsed in between going to the jail and rehab but i wouldnt find out about that till a few months later. My family has forbade me from seeing him. Threatening kicking me out. So i simply pretend we aren't talking. The stress of keeping it a secret for months now has been warring on me. He has been 100% sober since leaving rehab, just obtained a new job and is saving for trade school. He is driven to turn his life around for me. I am under the schooling that people can change if they want to. The anxiety of being found out though I think is causing me excessive nightmares. The grief of losing my beloved cat is really settling in suddenly to after months his absence which i was too busy or drunk to notice before is profound.
My family is not talkative. We do not share emotions. Although it has not been said it has been implied that showing emotions is week. We do not talk about things. If i am to cry it should be in my room where no one has to look at it. When something is demanded i either follow it or get out. My family isn't a bad one just very cut and dry. My bf is the opposite. He wants me to let him know how i feel. Cry and he'll hold me. I can just be myself more with him then anyone i have ever met.
I have been crying hysterically for a week now as all of this settles on me. I can barely function properly and often just feel sick from the stress and sadness. I went to my drinking friends house last night and downed half a bottle of whiskey. My bf doesn't know because just when he's become sober i don't want him to know i am becoming a drunk. My cat used to jump on my bed and rub his head on me when i was sad. Now i don't even have that. I am finding myself some what suicidal...thinking how if i just died then i wouldn't have to choose between my family and the person i love. I can't help but think that this time last year i was so hopeful and the world was full of promise and in the course of a few months my life was absolutely demolished. Everything is so complicated and i don't want to lose anyone like i lost my kitty. I keep hearing about death and i feel it all around me. Loss in so many ways has invaded my life and is choking the life out of me. I just don't know what to do.
I sort of numbed out at this time. I checked out, and met a group of not the best people who enabled me. I began to drink heavy. Whenever it hurt I shut off and drank. My close friends weren't there for me but these strangers were, and with them came alcohol. I behaved badly....I acted wild at the clubs we went to. I was not myself. I began dating one guy, but he was too "nice" so i dumped him for it. I didnt have empathy because I couldn't feel. I should have never even have gotten involed with the other guy. I ignored my bfs frenzied calls from jail until the night he got out, and only because he caught me off guard. I began to talk to him again only because he promised to go to rehab.
I did a lot of damage while he was away. He forgave me pretty quick because of what he did. He relapsed in between going to the jail and rehab but i wouldnt find out about that till a few months later. My family has forbade me from seeing him. Threatening kicking me out. So i simply pretend we aren't talking. The stress of keeping it a secret for months now has been warring on me. He has been 100% sober since leaving rehab, just obtained a new job and is saving for trade school. He is driven to turn his life around for me. I am under the schooling that people can change if they want to. The anxiety of being found out though I think is causing me excessive nightmares. The grief of losing my beloved cat is really settling in suddenly to after months his absence which i was too busy or drunk to notice before is profound.
My family is not talkative. We do not share emotions. Although it has not been said it has been implied that showing emotions is week. We do not talk about things. If i am to cry it should be in my room where no one has to look at it. When something is demanded i either follow it or get out. My family isn't a bad one just very cut and dry. My bf is the opposite. He wants me to let him know how i feel. Cry and he'll hold me. I can just be myself more with him then anyone i have ever met.
I have been crying hysterically for a week now as all of this settles on me. I can barely function properly and often just feel sick from the stress and sadness. I went to my drinking friends house last night and downed half a bottle of whiskey. My bf doesn't know because just when he's become sober i don't want him to know i am becoming a drunk. My cat used to jump on my bed and rub his head on me when i was sad. Now i don't even have that. I am finding myself some what suicidal...thinking how if i just died then i wouldn't have to choose between my family and the person i love. I can't help but think that this time last year i was so hopeful and the world was full of promise and in the course of a few months my life was absolutely demolished. Everything is so complicated and i don't want to lose anyone like i lost my kitty. I keep hearing about death and i feel it all around me. Loss in so many ways has invaded my life and is choking the life out of me. I just don't know what to do.
I hope I haven't upset you, that's not my intent. Grief can raise its ugly head when you least expect it, and if you're at a low point it will hit you hard.