Why am I still so cut up about something that happened a long time ago? Every single day it's with me. I'm crying most of the time when I'm on my own. I'm hiding how I truly feel every day. My mood, it switches back and forth from despair to anger. It's been 3 years. I can't really open up to anyone about it because I'm supposed to have moved on. And it looks like I have to everyone else. Bringing it back up now would only humiliate me and cause gossip.
The worst part is feeling like I can't move on. My late ex boyfriend took my heart when he left this earth, and I'm devastated. My current relationship is just awful when it comes to my part. And I feel so guilty. I just want to make him happy but it feels like an impossible task. He knows about my past but he doesn't understand how I feel. I don't think he knows how I currently feel at all. And I'm afraid if I told him I would lose him. In fact I know that for sure. How do you move on? I just want to forget and be happy! Damn I want to be happy like everyone else. 
I do feel like I'm on my own, I bought a puppy a week ago. I'm quite confused as to what my future looks like. That's if I can decide if I want one or not. Honestly I feel a mess. It's quite pathetic.
It feels selfish of me to be constantly in this faded bubble of sadness, when there's people around me who are physically suffering with illnesses like cancer. My moms been given less than 6 months to live. But she's still got her brave face on. She hasn't been able to swallow for over a year, her voice box is messed up and she's fed through a tube through her stomach. She talks to me about everything and anything but I could never dream of burdening her with my old news. I need to be strong.. I haven't cried once over her illness, I'm just stuck in the past. I'm so scared, honestly. I have no idea what's going on anymore regarding my feelings. I feel locked in a box. Just bury me already.