Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Honestly I just feel like a waste of time and space to everyone around me. I can't sleep anymore. My boyfriend is suicidal which doesn't help me in any way. I feel like everything is my fault and he could've been a little happier if he'd never met me. He says it isn't my fault but my anxiety mixed with all the other stressors in my life right now are telling me otherwise. I'm currently a full time college student with two jobs and have no time to rest or think about myself. I always worry about others before I worry about my own health and safety. I get so overwhelmed at points where I really just feel like ending my life is the only way to go. It's the only way I can go that won't be negative or stressful. It would end all of that. All of my problems would be gone. But then I think of the people around me and I chicken out because again, I always put others before myself. Currently I'm mostly concerned about my boyfriend and I don't know what to do because he doesn't want help. He says he hates himself and it's no ones fault but he doesn't want to live with himself anymore. And I don't know why he's feeling this way because he won't communicate with me. Everything is just so overwhelming at this point and I don't know what to do.
When you're in what I call the pit (a depressive episode) you are panicked, and hysterical, and you feel like everything you do is just appalling and everything you think is absolutely wrong, and you're a fool, and the only way to redeem yourself as a human and not have everyone around you think you are a lowly piece of crap is to kill yourself and remove your verminous existence from their exalted presence.
This is the thinking of the slave. This is the thinking of the concentration camp victim. This is the thinking of 'in the pit'.
But then one day you realise you're fooling yourself. For me, I remember having a hysteria episode on the phone to a counsellor. I wanted to scream, I was that freaked out. I was in hysterics. Trying very hard to sound rational and be rational but not even coming close.
I knew my life was worth nothing. I knew full well that my children would be so much better off without me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the only intelligent thing to do was to end it all, then their dad would raise them because he was so much better a parent than me.
Right?
Two days later I had to talk to this same counsellor again, on the phone. And I was out of the episode. I was on the edge of the pit. And we discussed what I had been utterly convinced of the few days before. Absolutely convinced, right?
And I remembered the event. I remembered the episode. I didn't ever remember them. But I remembered this one. And I remember thinking 'i don't think that! That's Crap!'
You see? I caught myself reviewing my opinion when I was out of the pit. And I thought it was garbage. 2 days later. Utter garbage.
No way that man was a better parent. No way my ending it would help my children live a better life. OMG what a pile of crap. Wow.
And that was the beginning of the new me. because I came full frontal with suicide me. Sane me and mad me met, we actually met. And I could see that I was not always in my right mind.
So then I was able to start to learn, and ask myself when I was hysterical - 'is this real?'
Is this real? And I started to realise that no, I don't think so. I'm having some strange chemical activity in my brain that is making these thoughts happen, but it's not me. it's not me. It's some kind of hysteria.
I dunno. That was long wasn't it. But maybe it helps. Someone else's story sometimes does help. And maybe one day you will be feeling okay and you will remember how you felt today, and you will say 'no, I don't feel like that. That's not real.' and it will help.
Do you two live together or do you have somewhere you can go to get a break and breath???
Best of luck! keep us posted.