Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I don't feel like myself. That is the only way I can really put it. For the last few years I have constantly gone through ups and downs in my life, things just don't feel the same anymore. It all started back in 2010 when my parents told me that they would not let me attend the University of Illinois the same day I got my acceptance letter because of cost and if I wanted to go to college I had to go to junior college. I have 15 older relatives and I was the first person in my family to graduate with honors and was going to be the first to go to college. I ended up not going to either that fall and just stayed home and after about a month they began insisting I get a job since I was doing nothing else. I refused to listen to them and decided I would reapply to U of I the following year and would do some volunteer work for my high school baseball team until then. Again my decision was met with resistance and my dad told me "that is going to get you no where in life." I ignored his remarks and did the volunteer work. Mid season the coaches told me they wanted me to get certified by the state and that they would be paying for it. They even created an award they would give out in my honor for dedication, perseverance, commitment and dedication. Despite that my dad began to insist more and more I get a real job and lined up a job himself for me which I ended up getting. I hated that job, it was working retail at the mall in a nearby town and although I liked that my resume would have real work experience, the job did nothing positive for myself. I began to develop anxiety and my coworkers disliked me because I was not extremely social as they all were. I often found myself recovering about 75% of the store while the rest of the staff stayed in one area and conversed with one another. I did end up going to U of I however things did not go as well as planned. After being at the school I began to deal with extensive racism and my anxiety just increased even more and slowly began to feel depressed. After being at the school for months I came home and would hear my parents somewhat bragging about me being at the U of I to my uncles and their friends. Hearing them made me angry and I began to have feelings of rancor towards them for switching their attitude about me attending the school. After hearing them, it made me not want to be at the school and the pleasure I had from saying I was a student there began to fade. With lack of enjoyment and the racism I dealt with there, my grades suffered. I was put on medication for my ADHD and then for my anxiety, depression and insomnia. I also began drinking heavily. I was seeing a psychologist once a month and despite telling him everything I felt he would write in his reports I was doing fine. I ended up getting dropped from school last June and started going to community college in the fall. I have told my family everything that has happened and everything I have felt, even addressing the fact that I contemplated suicide, often sitting in my room with a bottle of pills debating whether or not to drink them all; but they really don't know how to address it. They either baby me by speaking to me in high pitched voices, like people do when they speak to a baby, or ignore me. Since getting off meds and quitting drinking I have gotten better but I still feel out of sync. I got a 3.5 gpa last semester but school feels like a series of motions. I also started a personal training service business that has been going well but I still feel sad most of the time. I don't know what to do. All I wish was that these feelings would go away and I could enjoy life. I have cut off most of my relationships and feel emotionally detached because there were so many negative people in my life and most of them only ever called me when they needed a favor. I have spent most of today trying to study and do homework but I feel like it is pointless and gotten very little done. I feel so weird because I have so much to be happy for, I've accomplished a lot for a 21 year old and people that have told me I will accomplish anything I set my mind to. But I just can't get excited about anything anymore and I feel that nothing is truly worth the effort.
It's good that you got to go to U of I, since you really wanted to, even if
it didn't go well -- nobody ever talks about the group crap, racial or any reason groups can invent to bother someone, but I'm sorry you had to deal with it. It's difficult for most people to live with their parents after becoming an adult. They're used to being controlling. Some of the things they do when they are trying their best, but have no idea what you expect - talking in a high pitched voice -- if your offspring has problems and you start questioning yourself - are you causing it, you will try a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to make things better. And, resenting them for bragging about you once you did get into the school -- they love you. Retail, for most people, is painfully boring - a minute seems like an hour.
You're very young, and you've had some dissapointments - everyone does, but as you said, you accomplish whatever you set your mind to.
As a personal trainer, you know the importance of drinking lots of (purified) water and eating healthy food. That and exercise helps so much with mood. It's easy to burn out on studying, but you don't want to talk yourself into giving up the good grades and the degree you deserve, that you clearly want, because you keep enrolling.
I hope even more good things are headed your way, and that you're feeling more content, soon.