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I keep dreaming about my mom's attic. I wish I knew why.
Before I explain the dreams...just a little background. My father turned part of the attic into a bedroom for me when I was about 13. Years after I moved out, when my mom and my brother Bob were the only ones living in the house, there was a fire that originated on the roof. The attic storage room got the worst of it and my old bedroom was damaged as well. The major damage was repaired, but my mom decided not to have my old bedroom put back together since no one used it anymore. And lastly, several years after my dad passed away....I found out that before the attic became my bedroom...he had sex up there with a young man.
The dreams vary...I dream that the door to the attic is taped shut and I am upset because I cannot get to my stuff, I dream that I cannot go up there to sleep because there are holes in the floorboard, I dream that a creature lives up there and I have to have permission to enter, I dream that I want to sell jewelry out of my attic but my uncle owns it so I cannot. Last night's dream was all over the place. There were racks of clothes in the attic that I wanted to move but I was not allowed to for some reason..
All my dreams indicate that I WANT to be in the attic, which makes no sense to me. My family was disfunctional, I grew up depressed. Going back there to visit my mom is very difficult.
I would love to know what is going on in my head
Before I explain the dreams...just a little background. My father turned part of the attic into a bedroom for me when I was about 13. Years after I moved out, when my mom and my brother Bob were the only ones living in the house, there was a fire that originated on the roof. The attic storage room got the worst of it and my old bedroom was damaged as well. The major damage was repaired, but my mom decided not to have my old bedroom put back together since no one used it anymore. And lastly, several years after my dad passed away....I found out that before the attic became my bedroom...he had sex up there with a young man.
The dreams vary...I dream that the door to the attic is taped shut and I am upset because I cannot get to my stuff, I dream that I cannot go up there to sleep because there are holes in the floorboard, I dream that a creature lives up there and I have to have permission to enter, I dream that I want to sell jewelry out of my attic but my uncle owns it so I cannot. Last night's dream was all over the place. There were racks of clothes in the attic that I wanted to move but I was not allowed to for some reason..
All my dreams indicate that I WANT to be in the attic, which makes no sense to me. My family was disfunctional, I grew up depressed. Going back there to visit my mom is very difficult.
I would love to know what is going on in my head
On the most simplistic level, I wonder if maybe you feel that the fire took that which was special to you, and maybe you kind of "got away" from some of the bad stuff on the first floor when you were up in the attic. Maybe also knowing what had happened in the attic before made you feel like your sacred space had been violated.
In any case, I'm not a therapist, so I'd discuss this particular case with him or her.
Just speculatin' here,
4My
I speculate you are still in trauma and struggling with the episode you discovered that your father did with his companion. I believe this disturbs you to this day.
The damage to the "attic" is the damage to your childhood having lived in a dysfunctional home. You did reside up there, so the fact that you "lost" your teenage years in the blaze probably indicates that you feel you have lost a very important part of your childhood years that you experienced while the room was your bedroom. The attic is "caught up" in what you discovered about your father's acts up there, even though the act was done prior to your inhabiting the room.
The attic is taped shut (father's actions in attic is shut-up; a secret);
holes in floorboard are holes in your heart having found out the "secret"; the creature is the "evil" act that your father participated in with the young man; jewelry is your prized possessions (your family unit is your prize possession and you desire it to be like any "normal" family, but since you admit it is dysfunctional you are forbidden the prized jewelry, because the "jewell" belongs to someone else and out of your reach, i.e. you are not a "normal" family (don't know what the Uncle has to do with but suspect unconsciously he plays a role in the family dysfunctionality, perhaps kept father's actions hidden or knew the young lad; your dreams of all over the place are your emotions to this day about your family's dynamics and what you discovered about your father; as for the rack of clothes, clothes cover up our nakedness/shame, a lewd act (now in your father's day it was adamantly considered lewd and still is by many to this day regardless of the societal acceptance of homosexuality and the fact that you wanted to remove the clothes indicates that you want this "secret" banished from your memory, or that you are striving to accept your father's sexual preference but that you feel shame about inhabiting the room after that activity was perfomed up there, in your mind, acceptance is not allowed. You are struggling to find peace about it all.
Just my opinion, you understand.
I hate that you are going through this. Many things happen in families that are out the control and acceptance of the members. The past is what it is; the past. Suggest you try to move forward and seek counseling if you cannot sort this through yourself.
Much Hugs and Peace.