Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Is anyone else here a caregiver for a parent? God forgive me, but I am so burnt out and so stressed out that I was given a bottle of xanax to help me deal.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
At first there were 3 of us helping my mom with her day to day things. See..my dad died in 1996. He did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping Nothing was expected from my mother other than raising us and cleaning the house. She never even worked. When he passed away, mom pretty much expected us to continue.We had all moved out of the house by then, but my brothers pampered her. I expected her to do the things she was perfectly capable of doing. She had just been diagnosed with MS, but the only symptom was some blurry vision.
My youngest brother passed away 2 years ago. Now there are 2 of us taking care of her and things are bad.
The MS has affected her walking, but she can still get around with a cane. However, to make it easier, we do the grocery shopping and take out the garbage. She has meals delivered but says she hates them. She has a cleaning lady but does not like the job she does. She has no hobbies and most of the time refuses to leave the house, even though she has a boyfriend.
MS causes dizzy spells. If she gets dizzy, she cries, and says she is scared and one of us needs to go and stay with her. She had a tooth pulled recently, and because her gum was bleeding, she called crying, and one of us had to sit with her. If she gets an upset stomach, she cries. and one of us has to go sit with her. If her doc gives her something for these ailments...she refuses to take the meds as she is afraid of side affects.
I have suggested she talk to someone because I see some depression, but she won't. She does live alone and will tell anyone that she should not be. My brother and I are both married, we and our spouses work. If living with one of us, she would still be alone..and forgive me again, but she and I would be at each other's throat. If we mention assisted living she threatens to kill herself so she can be with our brother.
Several times a week she calls one of us for something like dizziness or nausea and tells us she may need to call us during night to take her to the ER .I sleep with the phone, a very fitfull sleep. And the last time I DID have to take her...she complained and carried on so bad while there that I had an anxiety attack and the nurses felt so bad for me they suggested I have a stiff drink when I go home.
She will not help herself, take advice or meet us halfway with anything. I figured I would have to take care of a parent someday.....but I never expected this level of burnout or the need for xanax.
I just do not know what to do anymore.
Then I would tell her 'we can't have an arrangement ... so good luck to you'.
Seriously.
Do you have a doctor or case manager you can talk to? You can't continue on like this. I worry for you.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Caring-For-Aging-Parents/support-group
We have done several threads about setting limits for our parents, and I believe that is at the core of your problems with your mom. She needs to understand that she has limits, and that she is behaving poorly.
First of all I strongly suggest that you have an honest and open discussion with your husband about what he is and is not willing to do. Your brother should have the same discussion with his wife.
And then you and your brother need to talk. Keep NO SECRETS between the 4 of you about how your mother treats you and how you are interacting with her. Manipulative people can be managed, but you must do it as a team!
Either you or your brother should have medical power of attorney if not full power of attorney. Once you have this, talk to the doctors, learn what her true condition is, the meds she is on, the reason for the meds, etc. This information will help you a lot!
Be firm with your mom, but loving. If she is able to call you at 2 in the morning to be taken to the ER then she can call 911 to have them take her. IF she thinks that she will need a 2 am trip to the ER then it is better to make a 8 pm visit to urgent care.
Again, please consider joining that group. You will find that you are not alone!
Gentle hugs
Diane, I know this post is about 6 weeks old. I'm not a caregiver but I just wanted to say I hope things have gotten easier since you posted this. I'm glad you joined the other group here for extra support.
Big hugs~
LMT
((((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))))
LMT
Or worse still, counterfeit pepper powder!
he he he
wait.. and ADHD. and OCD. and toe nail fungus?
oh.. and countefeit Pepper Powder. I will NEVER let that happen as long as I walk this earth. lol