No, I don't think you are crazy. We sometimes have crazy thoughts, for example, as I am so depressed, I keep having the idea of someone slaughtering me in my mind because I want all this pain to stop. On the other hand, I won't kill myself although I can definitely do it. I won't commit suicide because I want to help as much as I can before my death. But, having that huge pain in my heart pushes me to have that idea in my head and wish it is carried out instantly.

Thanks for the responses

Scars wouldnt help me at all! especially since I'm still on my journey of learning to love myself but i feel like I would derive some sort of pleasure if i did. My reasoning tells me its ridiculous but I do not deny I have the thoughts. I sometimes picture myself opening a line of skin and think I most likely would smile. I feel crazy just typing it out. LOL. I think that maybe if I just give myself a line and I feel the pain i'll go back to my senses but at the same time I dont want to....I'm just confused.
and Zuhair? It really does get better...that pain in your heart. I'm glad you wouldnt deprive the world of what you have to offer.

I’m sorry you are having thoughts of self-harm. Are you under any stress? Sometimes this can trigger old behaviors. Perhaps a phone-call to your doctor would be beneficial? Tell him/her how you are feeling. He may have some ideas for you to try. It seems the holidays are somewhat difficult for some of us. Do you find the season is manifesting some negative triggers for you? I find this time of year difficult. It brings back all sorts of memories for me and I have to really guard myself. I do hope that you can find healing and a resolution soon.

@sunnyface nope! don't feel stressed out at all. i do feel the need to be less dependent on my family but i doubt that should make me feel stressed at the moment. Christmas has always been just a day for me anyway. nothing particularly special. this year though i'm spending it with my elder sisters who all seem to have quite the festive spirit which is new for me. at the time i wrote this post though that thought wasn't in my head. i am having thoughts that remind me of my past abusive relationship so that may be a factor. unfortunately i don't have a doc anymore since i left university and my parents never knew i had been put on meds by the school. didn't want to tell them and don't plan on it.
@SimpsonsOK thanks. that's comforting to know that just feeling crazy isn't being crazy. i will check the post out.

MissOkay...Good to hear you don’t feel any stress during this holiday. I am sorry to hear that you are reflecting on a past abusive relationship. Why can’t those memories just disappear? It’s not like I want to remember hurtful memories. They do have a tendency to creep back in from time to time. Christmas has always been just another day for me as well but I’m learning that there is more meaning than what I was brought up believing. I still feel somewhat low this time around. I do hope to be more uplifted in 2018! I understand keeping your medical history to yourself. It isn’t something that I like to share with my family and friends. I do wish you a Merry Christmas and a peaceful and restoring New Year!!

Wish you and everyone who's commented the same peaceful and restoring New year!