I was off work Monday and Tuesday.  I am back to work today.  I was doing ok earlier but now I am struggling.  I got back together with my exfiance and he died on 1 Sept.  He died of lung cancer and their was so much drama the last 6 months of his life.  The tumors began to take over his entire body and impacted his cognitive abilities. There were days when he remembered who I was and their was days he didn't.  He left his mom in charge so I had no say.  I did not get anything but the things he gave me before he got sick.  We didn't live together.  I feel stupid that I thought god brought us back together for a happy ending.  For about 2 1/2 years things were going well until 6 months before his passing.  It was drama drama drama.  It was drama with his family, ex wives, etc. 

He passed in 9/1 and I haven't been the same.  I go to sleep but I don't sleep.  I try to stick to my schedule but I really don't want to do anything.  My job is extremely stressful and it seems to take all the energy I have.  I am managing to attend church, sorority, work, and volunteer at the local performing arts center.  All I want to do is nothing.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I have never been married and I have no children.  People ask me all the time if I have met someone new but frankly I don't see anyone I have an interest in. 

My sorority sister sent out a invitation and basically said she wanted me to fly to phoenix to attend her sons graduation.  I would have had to eat up three days of leave and buy a $650 ticket.  I decided not to go and she got an attitude about it.  Keep in mind no one goes out of their way to come see me for any reason.  My other sorority sister is the president of my local chapter.  She made a comment about not getting support as the president for me a few other ladies.  I told her I was struggling, my sister was in the hospital and I am trying to finish my dissertation.  My sister and brother in law kept inviting me on a trip.  I said no a few times but then I finally went.  I thought if I go, they would leave me alone. 

My life has turn into a big boring meeting.  I am in meetings all day at work.  I'm in countless meeting for my sorority.  I am surrounded by women everyday.  I monitor two group texts from sorority sisters.  I feel like my work is work.  My church is work.  My sorority is work.  School is work.  All I do is work. I am so tired. 

People around me ignore what I am going through.  The act like I loss no one.  I wish I could just turn off my feelings.  I wish I was ok but I know I am not. 

When he was a live, I was hopeful even with the cancer.  Somehow I convinced myself he would be healed and we would be married.  We would finally have the life I knew we could have.  As much as we loved each other, we have nothing to show for our relationship.  We had no children and no marriage. I feel stupid for waiting to have children for marriage.  Now it is too late to having any children.  Now I doubt I will ever have a family. 

I feel stuck.  I am not moving forward and I am not moving backwards.  I am just standing still.  I feel so unloved.  Everyone around me wants something from me but I get nothing at all from them. 

Each year I write down my goals.  I either write them down or I do a vision board. On my vision board I wrote, finish doctorate.  I have two months and I will be finished.  I wrote, get healthy.  I have loss 31 pounds.  I wrote find someone to love that will love me back and I have no prospects.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I feel pathetic. 

After he passed, his mother continue to call, text and invite me over to family functions.  A few weeks after he passed, she told me I hope you find someone nice and maybe you already have.  It's been 10 months and I have no one.  I feel pathetic.  It seems like when I was young meeting someone wasn't hard but now it feels almost impossible.  I join a dating site and I meet people who lie. 

Apparently this is the way it is going to be for me, alone.  I wish I could find some peace and acceptance.  Recently I catch myself bring his name up more and more.  I miss him so very much.  Since he passed I  have only had one dream of him.  For some reason I was in a house with a lot of young people running around.  They appeared to be college age.  They were running from room to room trying to find a bed to sleep me.  I walked upstairs and I found a bed in the room with two young ladies.  I said, I think I have my bed.  They smiled.  I walked out the room and down the stairs to the basement.  As I was walking down the stairs I saw him on the phone.  He didn't look up so I said in my mind, look at him on that phone.  He smiled as if he could read my thoughts.  I said are you going to find somewhere to sleep, he said I have a place for both of us.  I looked at him crazy and said, don't you want your privacy and started shaking his head no.  He then grabbed a bag and said, I have something for you.  I reached for the bag and said thank you.  I didn't look in sign.  As I turned back around, I woke up.  I felt like I was having an actual conversation with him.