so i've been working through this book i checked out from the library to help with my depression. it's a really good book that i thoroughly recommend thus far, called The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression. anyway, one of the practices it keeps drilling into me is that i need to confront and attempt to resolve emotionally distressing or challenging situations and problems.

i have Borderline Personality Disorder and my mom is a depressed alcoholic, though she has never seen a therapist or actually been diagnosed. she is my only close family (no brothers or sisters and my dad passed away). we used to be really close when i was younger, but about 7 years ago she started drinking heavily. she's now to the point where she can go to work every day sober, but she drinks every night and if she doesn't, she gets the shakes.

she doesn't remember half of our conversations, and i find that all they do is upset me immensely. i had to tell her that my father had died twice, because she didn't remember the first time. and i had to hear her reaction twice. she takes forever to say anything because in 50% of her sentences, there seems to be some word she just can't think of.. and once she does say anything she has to repeat it. also, whenever she does admit to having a problem, she starts crying and going on and on about how she's no good. she did this all of my teen years and i really think it had an effect on me, as i now have no problem admitting my faults, but i find it hard to actually fix any of them.

she never lets me get off the phone. i know this is because she's lonely, but i've tried telling her straightforward before that the reason i don't ever call her is our conversations last forever and she never lets me off the phone. it's extremely distressing for me to be honest with her and tell her about any problems. i have an extreme fear of letting anyone down or having anyone think negatively of me, especially those close to me. when i have been honest with her, i find that she drinks, she cries, and eventually we act like it never happened. nothing ever gets solved. the only thing that has gotten better is she's stopped driving after drinking after getting one too many DUI's.

i'm having a baby in a few months and i've been having an extremely hard time with my depression lately. i don't want to push her out of my life because i don't want to hurt her and also because i think it might cause me so much lingering guilt that it does more harm than good. but i also don't want to keep talking to her when all it does is upset me, causing problems in other areas of my life because i have a hard time dealing with anything when i'm upset. i feel that i owe her because in reality she was a decent mom, and she is the only mom i will ever have. but i also feel that i owe my baby a life where i'm happy. is there a way i can make this better??