Finally took a shower after 3 days. Yeah, Gross I know, but what ever. I would sleep 24/7 if I could, and come close some days. The Seroquel I take keeps me pretty tired and numb to almost everything. I guess it's better than crying all the time or getting so mad I can't control myself. I have no reason to be depressed out side of myself. I'm on SSI so I don't have to work, I'm on Housing so I can afford to pay rent and eat. But yet, Life sucks big time. I'm not suicidal at the moment but I wish I was. I would rather that, than feel this sense of anhedonia or nothingness. I had 18 ECT treatments that just made matters worse. The only favor it did for me was to take 3 months of my life away. I don't remember hardly any of it. The only reason I take the Seroquel is because I have two Sons. One of which I know would have a really hard time if I died right now. That's why I tried the ect's that's why I do what I have to to stay on this treadmill of life while my soul rots. I have always been messed up ALWAYS. But I used to have highs to offset my lows and a strong support system. I no longer have either. I am pretty much a Hermit. I leave the house when I have to but that's about it. I'm no longer thin and pretty, I no longer have any kind of personality that would make people want to be around me. I am dead. I have been dead for five years. I wish I would have died long ago when I was semi functional and actually had a life. When I was a descent mom to my kids. Now I'm just a shell. My kids lost me. I lost me. I never though I would live this long. Never wanted to. I am 46 years old and the thought of living another year is overwhelming. the thought of another 40.....No way. I live in "The Bell Jar" As Sylvia Plath puts it so perfectly. I am nothing, I am no one. I live so my kids won't feel bad. That's it. I love them so much, but I know I'm not doing them any favors being alive other than letting one live with me while he is in College so he doesn't have to pay rent, and sparing them of the grief of losing their Mom. Which I know they would feel bad, but what's worse? losing me all at once, or losing me gradually to emotional decay. I would be surprised if anyone even read this, but if you do...thanks....I guess. Not really sure why I wrote it. I guess I just feel alone in a not want to be around people kind of way (I know that doesn't make sense). I don't make sense. I just am, and wish I wasn't.