Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Can anyone relate to the feeling of not knowing your own mind anymore? I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety after being hospitalised for trying to commit suicide in May. Well I say suicide but at the time i described it as trying to reset my brain. Ive since found out I have a prolactinoma which could be contributing to my mood etc. Ive came a long way since hospital as I had convinced myself in there I was actually dead, burning in hell, I could feel the pain and it was going to last an eternity. I had convinced myself I was all kinds of horrible people and despite the reassurancies from my wife, family etc of being a really good, kind hearted good guy there was no way they could get it through to me. Im now on trazadone and cabergoline which I suppose have helped as I now know I want to live and I do enjoy some aspects of my life again but now ive got the constant feeling that I am making up my depression and im playing on it, my mind is constantly on me and what I am thinking, im working with a psychologist just now and he's trying to get me to practice mindfulness which I am doing. I think ive messed around with my mind so much that I dont even know what my real thoughts are or is it depression talking? Like do I really love my wife? Am I really the nasty person I think I am as if I dont love and want to be with her why am I continuing trying to persuade myself I do. We tried being apart but I ended up in hospital again as i went right downhill. She has been so supportive and she always tells me how much she loves me and how she knows I love her. We have a nice house, 3 adorable pets and I know I used to be really happy and content or was I? What I do know is she doesnt deserve what Im doing to her, putting her through. Ive convinced myself im a evil person and I just cant help but thinking one day ill need to go through with it and kill myself as ive messed with my head too much! I keep coming to conclusions as to why im feeling the way I do but each conclusion is more nasty and evil than the next. Its like a constant loop that plays in my head over and over every day. My psychologist explained that the mind really just comes up with rubbish all the time and i am aware of that but what im struggling with is what thoughts to believe or what thoughts to discard. I know I just need to get out of my own head and just enjoy life but the more I try to do this the harder it seems to be! I can almost see the pattern as to when my. depression started. Just a small seemingly nothing thing which lead to another then another etc etc which I didnt deal with and its the depression thats made me come to conclusions, false conclusions but conclusions all the same. Well ive rambled on a bit but with just writing this and continuing on this board im hopefull that I can continue with my recovery and help others as much I can with thier day to day battle with this horrible illness.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Depression really is a horrible illness. It can certainly blind a person from thinking clearly and from seeing the positive things in life. It can make you feel like there's nothing worth living for or that the only solution is ending it.
Personally, I believe you have the potential to get through this. You can't change your past, but what you can do is look forward.
I feel like I can't get any lower, so the only place to go is up.
Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend would be better off without having to deal with my bullshit. But I know he cares about me, just as your wife cares about you. If she didn't want to help you through this, she wouldn't be being as supportive as she has been. I'm sure your adorable pets love you unconditionally as well.
I hope writing everything out has helped you somewhat and I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.
Depression is a bitch.
It will whisper (or shriek) all types of nastiness in your ear, and the really twisted part is that since it comes from inside OUR OWN HEADS, it feels real. But it's not. I promise, you are not evil. You're struggling with a very real disease, no matter how it might be stigmatized or misunderstood.
Sounds like you've got an amazing wife to help you through...you deserve her. She can see you without the nasty 'filter' of depression, so try (I know it's hard as hell) to believe the nice things she tells you.
Wish I had more to offer, but that's pretty much it...don't believe the 'voices.' They lie worse than any politician :P