I thought I was doing better but I dont have the strngth to stay focused. As hard as it was to say the words, I begged my ex "boyfriend" (thats a laugh)to stop calling me because it hurts me and messes with my emotions. This morning was a voicemail of him "introducing" himself wanting to take me to dinner and talk or start over. I feel so bad because it seemed like a nice thing for him to do but if I would have gone it he would have just gotten away with the things he did and said to me. I tried to explain then I knew what was next. I heard his motorcycle pull up and the know at the door. I didnt answer and he left hateful messages because of it saying I never loved him or I wouldnt be doing this. I cant tell you how unfair that is and how frustrating that makes me feel. I was never the cheater and liar. HE WAS. He called more and blamed me for getting stuck in the rain when on his bike and how much he hates me. More messages: "he hates me" -"I am a cruel mean bitch and thats why nobody will ever like me" -"I dont deserve him now somebody else will get him" (as if they hadnt already) - "Im not worth a fuck Im just mean to him so fuck off flat ass cunt"- and the worst and most shocking was that he "hopes my family dies on me" -(God forbid, Amen). I called back and asked how he could say such a horrible thing telling him to take that back and he just said "fuck you" and hung up. He's told me to die before but that was "cruel and mean" like he says I am. I would never say those things. This really hurt if you dont mind this being so long- his last message was (instead of saying he didnt mean it) but that "things will happen in my life and I wont have anybody but things will happen in his life but he has his daughter and alot of people who like him cuz he is alikable person, but that I dont know how to treat people and thats why nobody will like me and I will be alone." Im not exaggerating when I say that I have, since I was young, always been gracious to people and helped friends in their times of need and never used or gotten over on anybody. Other than being bad about picking up the phone as often as I should I really dont understand what is so bad about me that I DO feel so alone. My friends have gone on with children and carrers and my life has been stagnant for so long and I cant find anybody like me. Im a 40 yr. old waitress in school for a chinky associates degree this late in life with no real goal other than to not feel like such a loser. He is 44 but seems to know all kinds of people he can hang with, relate to and be with or date whatever. Why is always so easy for the people who dont appreciate anything and so desperately hard for me this has me second guessing myself I look in the mirror and see an aging empty stranger. There is no life in my eyes just disappointment. The only thing seperating me from a cadaver are degrees in body temperature. I need more than advice I need a fucking miracle. Im even losing the will too go to church because I feel like God has bestowed isolation on me as my cross to bear in this life and it will never get better for this wrech. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself but if you knew how many years I have prayed and struggled through lonely isolation you would wonder too. My life is passing me by and I am not, no matter how hard I try, living. Im sick of myself. Its too much for too long. Im too compassionate a person for this torment from my ex, my absent friends, God, whoever. Im angry, Im sad, Im depressed Im tired Im worn Im ugly Im stupid Im weak Im old Im beaten I am dying inside. Ive written too long I apologize thank you to anyone who read my pain. Thank you.
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