((night))
I hope you think about seeing a therapist if you haven't done so already.
Depression is really hard to manage alone.

being i only have sundys free and not all sundays and no income, limits me very much, no to mention the only car i drove was my wifes, im on meds and i was doing therapy untill last year where i had to give up the weekday i was having free

I was a lot like that when my Fiance passed away.
I didn't see friends or do much of anything for one year.

But you Need a break. A break from you dad and thinking of your wife. At least one day doing something for you.

I take care of my ailing father also. Its never easy.

Hey nightfire,

Think back to a time when you were able to get through a really hard time to remind yourself of your resilience and cheer yourself on when you do small things like get up and shower or make your bed. Baby steps and time, you can do it!

see though, thats where im stuck, i dont even feel like doing anything for me cause i want to do things with her and or know that at the end of the day she'll walk through that door and tell me how work was

All of those previously have some good advice for you.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I had virtually no self esteem (what little I did was based on how well I did for others) At 15, I would sacrifice the next 20 years of my life trying to care for other family members who did not even care for themselves (and would verbally abuse me, but I felt it was my duty, so I stayed)

Over the years, there would be several instances that would lead me to some counseling. I would come across some caring therapists, others who also struggled with similar issues and I would learn how important it is to reach out and connect with other people as opposed to bottling things up inside (or simply trying to pretend all was hunky dory)

I am a firm believer that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. For me, each thing i went through, every person I came in contact with, and every message I would take in has helped me to grow further on my journey toward that healthier , happier life. (kinda like a stepping stone on your path...)

And those BABY STEPS are an excellent tool that I have recently adopted myself to feel a better sense of accomplishment (I did have an all or nothing mentality, so I constantly felt like a failure because I wasn't "all fixed" yesterday.)

Someone else can't make you happy. Think very hard of things you like (or did in the past)...and start to do them...one by one...taking some time for you. Just chilling watching sports (or hanging out with a buddy too)...going for a walk or jog (enjoying fresh air and a bright sunny day...when it is a tad warmer).....just venturing out amongst people again.(Til you can shake that feeling of worthlessness and loneliness and realize you are just as good as anyone else.)

My thoughts and prayers are with you . Keep reaching out to others too.