I found the hardest part about being a mother and home keeper was feeling useless because in the first few years her liife i am doing that one job and longing to be part of the working world. The way I have to tell myself from feeling useless in this area is one day I will have the opportunity. The way I started changing my way of thinking I do not belong is by making myself belong. You belong in the world because your were born into it :-). We all were and we all belong in it. how can anyone see your pain or help you if you hide your need for it. Not trying to be negative or argue your point.....just point out a few things I learned for myself and perhaps give some insight :-).

Maybe the screaming is maybe because you are being a good actor? It's a lot of pressure pretending nothing's wrong to everyone when really everything's wrong. Is there anyone you can trust to be honest with about how you feel? If everyone thinks your're fine they might not know you need help.

Anyway, no matter how you feel, it' OK. Even if you do fall apart, that's OK too. Someone will help put you back together again.

Jules Honey,

Of course you have a purpose in life. And right now, You are doing the hardest job on the planet. You are raising 4 wonderful children. As a mom, you are a teacher. You are providing joy an compassion to others. You are a wonderful person. Everyone who knows is is better for it.

Your family appears to be unaware of your pain because they feel helpless and scared. Seeing someone you love suffering is so difficult.
They are probably so afraid that they will inadvertently make it worse, that they choose to do nothing.

Please, keep fighting. Your family needs you and loves you.
We need and love you too.........

I notice the cross as your avatar. Maybe you could do something at church if your a member. You could try the choir out or working with the kids during vacation Bible school. Or you could help somewhere else in town. That may give you a sense of purpose other than just taking care of your family. It may help just to get out of the house every now and then.

yes I am a christian and belong to a church...am actually very involved in the church. My husband is a youth pastor, so I guess that puts a lot of preasure on me to do my bit around the church. But here is the strange bit....its like im living a double life. I love being at the church. I run a playgroup 1 day a weak, help out at the community center my husband runs 2 days a weak, I run a food bank store once a weak at the church, help out with a youth bible study and I am on the music team and sing in front of the church about once every 2 months. I love singing at church. OK so I guess reading all the things I do you would think I have a purpose, but I still feel horrible inside all the time and wonder how long I can keep it all bottled up and go on as if nothing is wrong. Even though I am always in contact with lots of different people, I dont really talk to many of them and couldnt really talk to any of them about how I am feeling inside...Why cant I just be happy and enjoy it all..I just feel like giving it all up sometimes but then where would that leave me? Probably a whole lot worse than I am now, if that is possible.
Anyway time for me to take my meds and knock myself out for the night, my favourite time cause I dont think or feel, thats the only good thing about the meds, they knock me out at night.

You need to let them know. It is hard to tell when another is suffering if they hide it. And even if you can tell when someone is hiding something like that from you, you feel like it is not ready.

Maybe you're doubting your faith? In which case, it's understandable.

Maybe some sort of physical exercise is in order? Is there some sort of youth cardio fitness program at the church? It'll make you feel better inside as well as out, develop in you strength, stamina, maybe help ween you off the meds, which all have side-effects as well as create a wacky chemical imbalance in the brain, a balance that can be restored when the toxic chemicals are sweated out through exercise. But I don't know how dependent you are on the meds, so stopping them cold turkey might be a dangerous proposition; should be done gradually over time.

PsyCHIATRISTS mainly prescribe drugs. It's all they know how to do. It's what they trained for. Maybe see a psyCHOLOGIST instead. Psychologists use talking to get to the root of the problem.

Social contact might also have a lot to do with this. Hanging out with a youth group at the church might be a great change of pace and scenery, because younger people tend to be more energetic and hopeful for the future. Who are you spending most of your time around now? Maybe the prayer groups, your own kids, husband etc. all the time has become too rigid, dogmatic, routine and boring.

I agree that talking to a psychologist may be helpful in sorting out what is going on for you. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time; it sure sounds like depression is rearing it's ugly head.

Annie

from what i have heard is being a mother is a thankless job. you hear screams? what are they screaming abought? i hear voises a lot 3 or 4 ppl talking but i cant here what they are saying.i wish i had a good answer to give you.

You have many, many responsibilities. Too many, in my opinion. While it is commendable that you do so much for your church, God does not put upon us so many things that they zap our energy and joy. Do you have problems saying no to people? That may be one thing you might consider.
You are also a wife and mother. In your list of things, you did not mention one thing that you do for yourself. I think that you have given the bulk of who you are away and may have trouble figuring out who and what you are...hence, the sense of no purpose in your life. Perhaps cutting back on one or two of the activities that you are doing per week and replacing those things with hobbies and activities that you do to nurture YOURSELF and not others would do a lot to revive you and help you to feel more fulfilled with your life.
Also, may I ask why you do not share your struggles with people in your church? That is the place where you go, not only to encourage, but to be encouraged yourself and receive strength and help in your times of need. I have been struggling with a few things and shared some of my struggles with my bible study group and received a lot of support and that helped to get me over the hump. In the past, I used to suffer in silence, but I stopped do that a looooooooooooong time ago because it never helped me any. Pretending to be something you are not will only isolate and depress you. If you reach out for support, you'll be amazed at the love and help you will get.
One more thing, you said that being a youth pastor's wife put a lot of pressure on you to do things for your church. Are you serving because you WANT to or because you think that you "should" or else? God does not put pressure on us. He wants us to work WITH Him, not FOR Him. Otherwise, our relationship with Him becomes one of obligation and that breeds resentment, disillusionment, and fear and gives sstupid ssatan plenty of things to mess with your mind with. Ask God to renew the joy of your salvation within you and He will do it.
All that being said, I can understand how you are feeling. It is not easy for those who are serving God to show their humanity and/or reveal our wounds and our pain. I am glad that you have opened up to us so that we can give you some support.
Take a day or two off away from everything and pamper yourself. (Yea, I know, easier said than done.) Talk to your husband so that he can get some help with the kids and you can focus on YOU for a while.
God's peace be with you.
Huggggssss to you.

I'm sorry things are difficult. I can totally understand feeling like life is not as meaningful as it should be. I am dealing with ocd, and it is causing me to think that way too.

It is really good that you shared your feelings. I hope things get better!

When I suggested doing something in the church I did not mean for you to do everything in the church. Like deputy, I think you have too much to do. You may want to reconsider some of your position. You need some time for yourself to pray, meditate or whatever you do to get in contact with yourself.

yeah guess it does seem im doing to much...but its all I enjoy doing at the moment, helping others...if I were to give any of it up I would just sit around home and have more time to think about all the bad stuff...more time to self injure..... I dont really have any hobbies except my computer, so there is nothing at the moment that I could do for myself that would help...so the way I see it is, I am better off helping others.