Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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JulesHopeFaithLove11 08/20/2011

I feel horrible.....major depression has now set in and its starting to get back to the level where I feel comfortable, bad I know but its hard to explain.
was meant to start Avanza 30mg last month, on top of the rest of my meds, but never did start it. Dr then said we will try changing anti depressants, so am now down to 100mg of pristiq and might start cymbalta if I can get myself to do that....would like to be right off of all of them for a while but then its like I start all over again from where I was 10 years ago...i just dont know what to do. Im living like a robot, clean, look after kids and then my favorite time of day when I dont have to feel or think...SLEEP..... Im not enjoying life at all at the moment and I want to die, cause I dont see it getting any better any time soon......Im so scared that some day soon I might just feel lower than I ever have before and just take every tablet I have....and thats a lot.....I want to die cause I really dont see any point to life....we eat, sleep, work, look after kids, go places and do things that are meant to be enjoyable....but I just dont get this enjoyment thing....I dont feel happy, even though it appears I do...I wish I could just make someone understand how much I hurt....WHY DO I HURT SO BAD...how can I be happy...I cant do it...its an ongoing battle...I hate being awake.......I want to go to sleep and never wake up.........I see pdoc tomorrow and wont be able to tell him this, as much as I want to....I want to tell him I want to die....but what will he be able to do about it anyway????????
Just had too post this here cause I cant tell anyone this, so just had to get it out....I feel I want to die so bad.....my life is useless.

hopefullyannon 08/20/2011

ive found that when most people say they want to die, its not because they want to be dead... its because they want to stop living the life they are living, and live a happy one instead. i really hope you fit into this catagory.

you really need to tell your dr how you feel... they cant help you if they dont know... try writing it down, or sending it in an email... or just gather your courage and blurt it out suddenly while in the office

you are your own best advocate when it comes to mental health care... only you know whats going on inside you... your dr doesnt have a clue untill you tell them.

please, it'll only take 1 second to blurt it out, and then the hardest part is over... and you can really start to get the help you need

*hugs*

i wish you nothing but the very best of luck... please post after your appointment to let us know how it went?

cyndybau 08/21/2011

Hi, I deal with the same issues. From what I understand they fall under the category of Border Line Personality Disorder in addition to Depression. I'm surprised how many people her post similar thoughts. You are not alone, including myself, many people feel this way. The one repetitive message I see over and over again is to distract by taking a quick walk, a short shopping trip, or anything you might like to do. I know it's hard and there is no easy answer. It helps me to know many other people feel like this. Somehow it makes me feel less isolated.

JulesHopeFaithLove11 08/22/2011

been to see pdoc....couldnt tell him I want to die....just told him it is to hard to live.... he just doesnt know where to go from here if I wont start the cymbalta... so I am down to 50mg pristiq and will hopefully start on 60mg of cymbalta in 2 days time....just so scared of what it will do to me....I dont know why, ive changed meds so many times before without any hassle... i just feel different about it this time.......
what if it doesn't stop me feeling this way??????what if my thoughts I am having now affect how the cymbalta works.....what if...what if...what if??????I know i shouldnt ask that...i should just do as Dr says and start the stupid meds....if I dont I will end up overdosing or something stupid like that soon anyway....i just want to die so bad right now...can I hang on till meds kick in???? dont see pdoc for another 3 weeks...so I'll either be dead by then, or maybe the meds will start to work....i guess there is some hope.... I have my husband and 4 kids to think of...i hope I can keep going for them..

deleted_user 08/22/2011

Jules...First, I get where you are coming from on so many levels. Getting meds right can be such a crap shoot sometimes not to mention incredibly frustrating. I believe in being 100% honest with your physician. They can't help you to the best of their ability if they don't know ALL of your symptoms. Hiding your suicidal ideations is somewhat understandable but given how you are feeling right now it it may be better to be honest. Hiding the fact that we want to die is almost more of a burden then speaking up about it sometimes. I am certainly not a doc and I don't know your exact feelings but I have been down a very similar road.

Your life is not useless and I would be willing to bet that your family would agree with that as well. Sometimes when things are the darkest we have to find something, anything to hang onto. Right now for you it sounds like your family is it and that's a good thing. The darkness can pass. It can get better. Hold onto the love your family has for you and you for them until things begin to improve. Wishing you the best. Take care.

deleted_user 08/24/2011

If it helps to know, thousands of people take Cymbalta and get relief. What if it works? Then you don't have to worry about whether or not it doesn't work. I have the faith that you can hold on and do this. Cling to your family and to us. Let us know how you're feeling as you move forward with the Cymbalta. It helps to know you're not alone.

JulesHopeFaithLove11 08/24/2011

started Cymbalta today....guess is all I can do now is wait and pray that it will bring some positive results.

deleted_user 08/24/2011

Glad that you decided to wait to see if the new medication will help. I can relate to some of what you are going through. It is good to know that you have a doctor who care about you. Because of too many allergic reactions to prescription medications, my doctors will no longer prescribe any antidepressants for me. It is difficult to keep moving forward some days; but it seems that I have no other choice. Glad to see that you can write online to the group here and you did voice your thoughts to your doctor even if they were toned down a bit. I ran into a brick wall in regards to being able to express my depressed thoughts to my counselors and doctors. I end up e-mailing The Samaritans online because the counselor I have been seeing since 2009 believes that if I express having very depressed thoughts that I am only "seeking attention" like a willful little girl. Her labeling me like that hurts me worse than the depressed thoughts. I don't bad talk my doctors or therapist; but if I even bring up some things, they cut things short. Maybe that works sometimes; but not all the time. Depressed people need someone who can handle them talking or writing things out. Let me know if anyone has found other ways of expressing themselves in constructive ways because not being able to verbalize my thoughts is hurting me alot.

JulesHopeFaithLove11 08/25/2011

thanks for your reply Chatty,
its not right for counselors or dr's to let you get out your true feelings and vent whatever you want...I think my pdoc would be happy for me to talk a bit more....I have social anxiety so find it really hard to talk to him even after 10 years...I have emailed him a few times in the past and that had been helpful....

I have had a counselor who didnt want to seem to know what was wrong with me or what had gone on in my past...she just wanted to give me ideas of how to change my thoughts...which is good but not when you suffer from forceful psychotic thoughts and they just dont stop like that........... I think the best counselors are ones who have suffered from depression themselves, so they are more experienced and know more about how you are feeling.....having said that though, my husband is a counselor and he hasnt been depressed, but I know he has helped many people....just wish he could help me more than he already does.

as for expressing yourself more to get the pain out, try posting on the boards or use the journal here...might help get some of that built up hurt and anger out..... just a thought anyway.

ImMeNow 08/25/2011

you are not alone...have you thought about getting a new counsellor?

JulesHopeFaithLove11 08/27/2011

please God just let me die

deleted_user 08/28/2011

Please God, let Jules break free from her depression and live a happier life.

deleted_user 08/28/2011

Just keep looking at your profile pic and that will remind you why you don't want to die! God loves you and has a perfect plan for you even if you don't see it right now. If you feel unsafe get help, call a hotline. One that is helpful is 1-800-SUICIDE. They can help you find a psychiatric unit or hospital that can help you or just talk to you and get you through the moment. Call it if things get bad.

deleted_user 08/28/2011

Also you can go to www.klove.com and they have some Christian resources if you are feeling suicidal too.

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