Hello everyone

I am new to this. I have been trying to fight a war internally for the longest time, but I am struggling. Every single day is getting harder and harder.

There are so many different groups to join, and I wasn’t sure if I was joining the right one. I have been in a relationship with a man for the last 4.5 years. Over the last 2.5 (almost 3) it has become quite toxic. I was very blind to it for a while, but it has become more and more clear that I may just be in an emotional abusive relationship.  I have tried to leave 5 times. I have tried everything from telling him I want to break up to just leaving when he want home. Somehow I get so consumed with guilt that I go back, or “change my mind”. After the thought, I hate myself a little more because it’s not truly what I want.

A little history to help you understand; I have struggled with an Eating disorder since I was 14 years old. I am now 27, and still struggle with this every single day. It is something that sticks with you, and an insecurity you don’t quite overcome. The man that I am in a relationship with now is a “recovering” heroin addict. The reason I put the quotations is because although he may not be doing heroin anymore he has moved over to weed and alcohol.

I feel we truly only get along when he is completely high. To be honest, he was always high when I met him (to be fair, I didn’t know about the drug addiction then, or I would have never dated him). When he drinks, he’s awful. He is MEAN, yells, and is just a complete jack ass. When he is sober he is still mean at times, talks to me like I am stupid, and gets pissed off over useless stuff. He calls people names like “Fat”, “stupid bitch”, etc. He has no patience; he’s just an angry person.  And he is broken. This is not the type of person I am attracted to. I am not saying that being broken is unattractive; it’s all of the other features.  I feel sorry for him, like I am here to take care of him, because he can’t take care of himself. Yet, I am so miserable.

I take Prozac for depression (and my eating disorder), but I don’t feel it works. I feel depressed, and I have never been depressed in my life. I do not find joy in anything anymore. I just want to sleep all the time, and other days I feel sad because of where I am now in life. I used to be happy. I used to want to be untouchable. Now? Now I find that I am full of anger all the time (and I am a very happy person), the smallest of things set me off. I cry for no reason, or I cry over the silliest thing (like spilled milk literally). I cannot sleep, and when I do I either have nightmares, or dreams that end up making me cry. I have contemplated suicide, attempted (with pills), and I take my anger out on myself, physically.

I am sorry if this was a bit much, I am known for word vomit.

I just need help, someone to talk to, or just someone to listen.

Thank you for listening.