For about the past year, I've been wanting to change up some of my social scene. At times it seems like some of my friends can be negative. Not always excessively, but enough to make me want to switch things up. I've tried to cultivate and get to know some people who I thought were more chill, but they were not interested, so go figure. Maybe it's me. I dunno.
Tonight my friend joined me for an event that went for bust. It was rather unfortunate, so we just sat in the bar and had some dinner. Just prior to going, I was remembering how much of a black cloud I used to be and how much I would really put people off with my negative attitude. It took me years to get over this as depression took over my life.
As I was sitting there, i was actually blown over by the negative charge coming from her. I had to think to myself, "did I used to act like this?" I could feel so much anger from her, that I was getting physically uncomfortable. I found myself barricading myself and trying to shut myself off from what felt like a hammer of words. It even got to the point where I could feel my severe headache start to rise up. She went on for so long about her problem, it seems like she has an awful lot of drama, more than what I would think average. I was drinking down my beer and thinking to myself, "wow I really need to toke up after this."
At some point I think I actually stopped her. I guess she was in an argument online on and off all yesterday. My god. I would not last five minutes with that, I would cut it right off. I have other friends that I do things with that are positive, but I would really like to have more of that in my life. I don't know why it's slow in coming.
I feel nearly all relationships are a flow of back and forth. I learned this from one of my therapists who was also an energy worker. When we would sit together she would ask me if I could feel the flow back and forth, and I could. I feel that all relationships that I choose to maintain should have that easy, equal back and forth flow-not me listen to you hammer on and vice versa.
I've been having a hard time feeling lost and broken. I feel like a disappointment to everyone and anything I try to do to help makes things worse. Every little thing makes me cry and then I get to hear my husband tell me my depression completely drains him and his energy so he doesn't always want to even talk to me. I'm just at a loss of what more to do here.
Do you feel tired -like REALLY TIRED- all the time? I wake up tired and unhappy. I have no energy for anything. It surprises me even to catch my daily routine. It's not being sad anymore, it is more like emptiness. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I am not into living either. I am just living it and waiting for the end.