For about the past year, I've been wanting to change up some of my social scene. At times it seems like some of my friends can be negative. Not always excessively, but enough to make me want to switch things up. I've tried to cultivate and get to know some people who I thought were more chill, but they were not interested, so go figure. Maybe it's me. I dunno.
Tonight my friend joined me for an event that went for bust. It was rather unfortunate, so we just sat in the bar and had some dinner. Just prior to going, I was remembering how much of a black cloud I used to be and how much I would really put people off with my negative attitude. It took me years to get over this as depression took over my life.
As I was sitting there, i was actually blown over by the negative charge coming from her. I had to think to myself, "did I used to act like this?" I could feel so much anger from her, that I was getting physically uncomfortable. I found myself barricading myself and trying to shut myself off from what felt like a hammer of words. It even got to the point where I could feel my severe headache start to rise up. She went on for so long about her problem, it seems like she has an awful lot of drama, more than what I would think average. I was drinking down my beer and thinking to myself, "wow I really need to toke up after this."
At some point I think I actually stopped her. I guess she was in an argument online on and off all yesterday. My god. I would not last five minutes with that, I would cut it right off. I have other friends that I do things with that are positive, but I would really like to have more of that in my life. I don't know why it's slow in coming.
I feel nearly all relationships are a flow of back and forth. I learned this from one of my therapists who was also an energy worker. When we would sit together she would ask me if I could feel the flow back and forth, and I could. I feel that all relationships that I choose to maintain should have that easy, equal back and forth flow-not me listen to you hammer on and vice versa.
I hope someone can help me with this. This is the second time this year that my oldest child, my daughter, will not talk to me.I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend. She had my son with her, who is almost 16. They went to visit my very toxic mother. My son had a meltdown on the way home from my mother's, and my daughter called me to come pick him up basically in the middle of nowhere, two...
I really want to die. I find no joy in my life. Everyone I cared for is dead or gone and the people I've met are I guess well meaning but clueless and disengaged because they have their own lives. I am terrified all the time. I'm terrified of losing my shelter, how to eat, whether or not someone is trying to hurt me. I'm so so tired of feeling this way and I've tried reaching out but I feel like...