On and off for weeks, maybe months, I've felt suicidal. It is frequently after an arguement with my father. 

A few weeks ago I was crying after an arguement and started packing and threatened to leave. He said Don't leave, as in please don't leave because I care about you.. 

But today, after a brutal arguement, he said to my mother " Fine let her leave. She's 33 she can do what she wants."

It started when they were watching the inauguration. My father thinks I'm of a sick mind because I don't share his political views. I was discussing somethign with my mother but he knocked the food out of my hand and told me to shut up. I told him I wasn't talking to him but since he could hear it, he wanted me to shut up. An enourmous argument erupted. I chalenged him in a way I never have before. I told him to do what he's wanted to do for years. I told him to finally hit me like he wanted to. I even leaned down and showed my cheek to him and said "Free shot."

He got up and we stared at eachother, waiting for the other to make the first move. I'm not a fool. I wasn't going to hit him. I was challenging him to hit me and he told me give him a reason, hit him and he will. I told him I never wanted to hit him and reminded him of the day that I told him if he ever hit me, he'd be on the floor in 2 seconds.

He sat back down. He called me a person with a miserable soul who went to one of the best colleges in the country and fucked it up. I said "Do you know why? Because I had a mental breakdown and I didn't belong there (meaning that culture. It was BYU in Utah. I was a mormon but not conservative enough to fit in)

He said I have made my life worse that it had to be. I heard my mother try to jump in and tell him to stop but he didn't listen. He continued to say I walk around the house with a pissed off face, needing to be reminded even to say good morning. I told him that face his saw was not anger. It was pain and depression and I do forget to say good morning because I'm running out the door in pain, trying to tak my dog for a walk.

I eventually left. I told my mother to stay with me in my room because if she didn't I was afraid I'd swallow all my pills. But she wanted to watch the inauguration. She told me to come sit with her to watch it, in the living room, where he was. I lasted 5 minutes, then left. 

I started packing everyting I could. My mother came in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was leaving, I'd sleep in my car if I had to to get away from him. She told me that would distroy her with worry. And then she told me she had surgery yesterday, which was news to me. As far as I knew she went to see a urologist about a possible kidney stone. They did lithtripsy and gave her a stint. She thought I didn't care because I didn't mention it. I told her she never even told me and all I knew was she was at a routine doctor's exam.  

I told her I'd stay until I had a place to go but only if she stood up to him for me from now on. She immediately kept her promise, hence his comment to her about letting me leave.

So the good news of all of this is I found a place I'm checking out tomorrow. And if it has four walls and a roof, I'm taking it. It's cheap, rural, not in the best of condition regarding aesthetics but I don't give a rat's ass about that. I can't withstand anymore abuse. Or I will end up hitting him hard and going to jail. I hope it's a worthwhile property. I must leave this pit of hell. It is in my price range.

I called an old fried. He's engaged. I was already upset but for some reason that hurt. I did at one time have feelings for him but it didn't really hurt because of that. It hurt because I wanted what he was about to have, someone to love and cherish.

He's a good guy and talked to me for a while. He calmed me down. 

I have a first date with a new guy on monday. I told him in very little detail about the reason for my move and that it's an hour away so don't go falling inlove on the first date. He said if it's right, distance doesn't matter. Who knows? Maybe I'll have what my old friend will have one day myself. For now, I need a safe place for me and my dog. I'll have to do some sort of work, even from home. I don't even care what, just something I can physically do. So that's it folks.