Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi all,
This is my first time posting to this group (and my first time joining a group like this). I would like some advice/strategies/hope whatever. Let me give a little background. My previous spouse had depression and as I look back on it I probably didn't deal with it very well (neither did she and it wasn't the primary reason for our divorce, although it didn't help). My current spouse has depression. We have been together 7 years, I have really loved her for 16 years. Since we have been together we have been trying to have kids (one of the reasons I got divorced from previous spouse). My wife has always said she wanted kids. Over the past 2 years we have been doing IVF and have 2 miscarriages. This entire time my wife has dealt with depression. She sees a therapist regularly and as she likes to say is a "high-functioning" depressive.
I have always wanted to be a parent. In fact, today is my birthday. It has given me time to reflect on my life. Generally, our life is pretty good. We travel, like the same music, stupid shows/movies. We laugh a lot. My dilemma is that maybe I am too old to be a parent and I need to start planning something different.
My wife has always been overweight and it is to the point now that they won't let her go through another IVF cycle until she loses the weight (which she has done before to do IVF). However, the past 4 months have not been good. She hasn't got the same drive as before. She says she wants to have kids and even uses the language we are trying to get pregnant, but isn't doing anything at the moment to lose the weight so we can go through another cycle.
I know that this is, in part, because of her depression. However, I also feel resentful to her. Because of the depression I do most of the housework, pay the bills, primary bread winner, etc. But as my birthday is here I am thinking I am coming to the realization that we probably won't have kids. Even though she has said she is up to adoption and/or foster kids (which I would love to do) my wife isn't making much headway on the IVF front. I guess as I face this realization I feel hurt, angry, resentful, sad, and even hopeful. I want to think that we still have a chance to have a family with children, but that it probably won't happen. And I don't know how to manage all of these feelings without being a dutiful husband and not making her more depressed.
I want to have a conversation with her that maybe we shouldn't have kids. I mean if we do I am most likely going to be the primary care giver, which I can be fine with, but it might not be worth it with a depressed spouse.
I am sorry if this comes out rambling. It is just my birthday got me really thinking about things and I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis and/or am in mourning of the idea of not being a parent, which is something I have wanted to be for over a decade. The idea of not having children makes my heart hurt and I know it would make my wife's heart hurt, but I don't know how to have these conversations without having her spiral into a deeper depression.
My only wish for my birthday is for her to get better physically and mentally. She sees a therapist, but her inactivity is contributing even more to her depression.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope.
Advice/similar situations/help?
I too have MDD/GAD and have for years unfortunately, so with that being said, don't give up on becoming parents. I have a 3 year old and yes there are days that I'm really bummed and not wanting to get out of bed but he'll come in my room and kiss my nose or something and I'm good to go!
You say you maybe too old? How old are you? I'll say this I'm 41 and we got pregnant when I was 37, so don't panic about that too much,unless you're like 100 or so :P
She maybe more depressed because the IVF hasn't been successful and maybe starting to give up hope that'll ever be successful. Because of her weight she definitely needs to take better care of herself all the way around. Don't be too hard on her; continue to be there as a good hubby which it sounds like you are! Maybe even trying going to some therapy sessions with her, just a suggestion.
The fact that you and your wife continue to have an open dialog regarding her depression and your current circumstances, I believe, is paramount to a healthy marriage! How pleased I am to have read you too share with her what is going on in your heart!
If I may ask, are you involved in her therapy in anyway? Do you attend any support groups -Individually or as a couple? Finding those who are experiencing the same challenges in life can be beneficial to both of you; just as you provide a support system for your wife, I think it important that you have one too! Often times a church community will host what is called celebrate recovery - a social network if you will that help with “hurts, hang-ups and habits” in all facets of life – depression, addiction, etc. There are so many people who are willing to walk along side of you through some of life’s most difficult journey – you
I truly understand how difficult it is when our lives don’t quite turn out the way we thought they might, however, I want to encourage you to hold on to hope! Please know that you and your wife will be in my prayers. I wholeheartedly believe that God has the power to change the most dire of circumstances!
Please check back and let us know how you’re doing!