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so my aunt tells me stuff like I wish you’d find someone so you can get the fuck out of my house and wonders why I get mad at her all the time. If someone walked a day in my shoes and took the kind of abuse I get from these people they wouldn’t judge me they wouldn’t tell me to get over trust issues and they wouldn’t say “now I know why your family is they way they are with you” but nobody understands so they just assume that I’m a horrible childish person who needs to grow up. I have so much anger building up towards these people and everyone else that I know one day I’m just gonna snap. But again like I said people are assholes and they all just assume shit when they know nothing about the emotional and mental abuse I put up with and my family who keeps going on and on until I get mad.
Are you concerned about your growing anger? Anger is a really tricky thing. The purpose of anger (biologically) is to motivate human beings to take action, it provides us the energy we need to change a crappy situation where we are being violated in some way. But when it's not tempered with good judgment and we don't transform that energy into positive actions, the kind of action that can bring about an eventual change from our situation, well it can become a toxic poison.
I don't know what barriers you might have to keep yourself safe from their abuse (if you're under 18, have financial constraints, health issues) that keep you from leaving them, but if you can't get away from them at this time I would try and figure out how to harness that anger in a way that it doesn't end up harming you or anyone else.
I feel being angry in your situation is totally normal. As an abuse survivor myself, I still get very angry about my abuse to this day and I've been abuse free for 8 years now. But I don't want to go from the victim of harm to creating harm (even if some part of me would get a sense of justice from harming certain people who I sometimes feel like "deserve it"), and I certainly have gotten angry in my life and done things I regretted, so if I am lucky enough to have the insight you have that I'm becoming angrier and angrier I'd head that off while I still could.
You are an adult, not a teenager or child; you have the ability to control your actions (reacting to the anger) and should be able to control the extent of your emotions (getting angry in the first place).
Are the words your aunt says to be true? If not, don't give them the time of day. In one ear, out the other. If the words are true, direct your anger into personal change so the words are no longer true.
Disengage with your aunt. That means do not interact with her if possible. Stay away from the home if possible, only coming home to sleep, etc. If you must interact, give her words (if they are truly spiteful and harmful) about as much regard as the words you give a stranger. Just unpleasant noise.
Is it possible that your family engage with you so as to make you angry? If so, they are playing a sick little game. They are egging you on in hopes you will fly off the handle. If you don't like the game, quit playing. When they no longer get the reaction from you they are hoping for, all the fun is gone and they will quit.
So for now, control your anger, disengage, do what you can to find and get another job. Go to school, take classes, volunteer to gain valuable skills and experience. Once you get another job, develop a budget that allows you to save money for a new place AND stick to it.
Your main objective at this time is to move out. That is your priority and EVERY THING you do is to that purpose. If you want this badly enough, you will find the way to accomplish this.
Is this anger from comments about your weight and appearance?
If so, guess what? You have the power to definitely change your weight and in doing so, change your appearance.
I know, cuz I have done it. Several years ago, I weighed 240lbs. I lost about about 70lbs, now look years younger (I was 50 at the time), got active, got healthy, got an ENORMOUS ego and self esteem boost and literally changed my life.
It all started with daily walks (that will get you out of your toxic environment) and quit stuffing my feelings with ice cream and cookies. If you are interested in more of the story, PM me.
Rather than trying to focus on HER or the other abusers in the family who you can't control, focus on yourself, that's my advise. Focus on coping with the emotions their abuse causes, things you can do to protect yourself, and finding ways to GET OUT, even if it takes baby steps. And course you can always come here for support and validation.
You mentioned you're trying things but you feel like they're not working because you are still getting angry. What kinds of things are you trying when you are feeling angry? Is there anything that has worked for you in the past that maybe you aren't doing now because you've forgotten about it? There are SO many options really, exercising, writing, drawing, focusing on breathing or muscle tension, listening to music or singing, use a stress ball, pet your dog, watch funny cat videos, whatever works for you. But here's the important part:
When you are being emotionally abused you are in survival mode-your body is in fight-flight-or freeze mode to protect yourself against the psychological threat just like your body does for a physical threat (it's all the same to your body). To not "lose it" you need to RELAX that body that is preparing to attack or run-anything calming will work. Since you haven't snapped yet I'm guessing you either freeze or run, whatever that looks like for you (like not saying anything when they verbally abuse you or leaving the room). Or do you already get angry enough to attack back hoping it will stop, and that makes it worse and that's why you're afraid you're going to snap?
I hate what you're going through, the things your family says to you there are no excuses for. Like, "I wish you’d find someone so you can get the fuck out of my house". It's abuse wrapped up in abuse. Not only is she saying clearly she doesn't want you around, but by saying you need to find someone before you can move out it is so insulting, because you don't NEED someone else to do that for you like she's implying, you are a capable young woman for goodness sake! It's so like an emotional abuser to pack as much punch in a single action or statement as they can. It's quite vile, actually. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT!
Your beauty shines right through behind these lines of print. I agree with 99% of what you've been brave enough to share here, she is lashing out because things are wrong with HER (NOT with you), this is horrific emotional abuse, this is sexual abuse-a form called sexual coercion where she is using intimidation to try and get you to do something sexually you are not willing to do-you don't deserve this devastating treatment from people who are supposed to love and support you. I only disagree that you are JUST being emotionally abused-as if what you're going through is someone less painful or less wrong any other kind of abuse can be, pain feels the same no matter the cause.
I understand what you're saying about your health issues completely. Just like there are different kinds of pain there are a whole lot of ways to be beautiful and I've never laid eyes aunt but she sounds pretty ugly to me.
Regarding your anger-it sounds like the normal type of anger in your situation, and I also get totally why it's so scary to you. Here's my thoughts now that you've said more about that, give yourself some credit. It sounds like you're successfully handling your anger, unfortunately, she keeps refreshing it by continually being abusive. I am afraid for you especially, if you yell back at her since she's threatened to beat you up that she may escalate with physical violence, and your safety is the most important thing. It may help to switch up your coping strategies. When was the last time you felt relaxed? What were you doing? Anything come to mind in addition your games and music?