I won't lie.  Most of my life I've struggled with depression and life has not been the best.  I left a really abusive situation two years ago and it's been a struggle.  I've told myself that things were good and made attempts to be more positive.  For the most part, it's worked and my attitude improved.

But something was not quite right.  I thought after all the work I did and how hard I struggled to overcome, I think to a point I had really gone numb, and while I thought I was happy, I may have been pushing everything back.  For a while, I was just on a giddy high and relief from not facing abuse day after constant day.  I was busy, making friends and having a social life and working, but something gave. Stressors came in and then I started facing physical symptoms.  Bad migraines, that did have a physical cause, but were really made worse by stress, and when I went to the urgent care to get a shot, in addition to the medication, they told me to get therapy.

???  That was all I could think.  I thought that was an odd prescription, but as time wore on, I started to see what they were taking about.  And it's like somewhere along the line, the dam just burst and every so often I would just start crying profusely over my whole life and everything that  had happened, like a second wave.  Believe it or not, I felt better.  But lately it's coming all the time, immensely.  It seems like a good thing, but it sure is a lot of crying and babbling.

To make matters worse, with the improvements of my life, I had just hung my heart on a friend that I was somewhat close to, we used to talk and hang out a fair amount, and he expressed that he would like to date me, but then turned cold. For whatever reason, I was convinced that he was my "one" as we had a lot of similarites and it seemed to match up.  I think I was a little to eager, perhaps even desperate to a point to fall back into romantic love after the loss of previous relationships, and with things having gone so well, I thought my life could be topped off with the crown of a great love to surpass other loves.

I was wrong, he just turned off like a switch and had a habit of running starkly hot and cold, it seemed like he could turn on charm and then go black. Something just not right.  I knew intellectually that this was a problem and that my hopes did not match reality, but nothing prepared me for when he found someone else. The pain is pretty indescribable.  I had been dating others in the meantime as I was steeling myself against what I perceived as rejection, and it was my hope that  frankly, I could beat him to the punch in finding someone, and "show him" and prove to myself that I was worthwhile after all. No such luck, I dated a  string of people that had no future at all, while he found what seems to be his forever person, and it just all seemed to fade to black.  I guess I am being pretty dramatic here and I'm not intending to, but it sure feels this way.  It feels huge mainly because it was a failure on top of a long string of relationship failures, and I really thought he was special, was different.  I was so deluded.  

Sometimes I get on to support calls and talk, what is disturbing is that when I start talking, I notice people leave the call.  They hang for other people, but when I really get to the truth of the matter and say what I feel like we are encouraged to, everyone but the facilitator begs off.  I guess my issues are too much for  them. Who knows. 

I start therapy tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous.  The last one I saw-for one time-was an absolute nightmare.  We'll see how this goes. I also have a healing event this weekend.