I have been a chronic depressive for 35 years. I started in therapy at a young age (14) to try to tame my depression.  A 6 month stay at a psychiatric hospital managed to get me through high school and off to college. Well along with a lot of marijuana. I dont think the marijuana really helped anything.. just kept me distracted.. i think it was probably one of the worst things i could do, but i grew up as the artillery used between my parents in their divorce war. 

I went off to college and escaped the war. I slowly came back from the depression but i really didnt get out of it until i was in my late 20's. I did fine.. no meds.. no therapy for a few years.. then at the age of 29 i broke my back and went spirialing out of control. 

I spent years dealing with surgeries, thearpy, meds, alternative medicine, everything you can think of for both my pain and depression.. 

Every time i found an antidepressant that worked.. i ended up with HORRIBLE side effects.. others just didnt work.. About a week and a half ago i went to my psyciatrist.. who said well we are really out of meds.. you need to consider TMS or ECT. 

I discontinued my last failed med.. (lamictil - which made me overly emotional and grow breasts.. yea i'm a guy that wasnt pleasant).. and started looking into TMS. 

ECT i think is my LAST resort.. basically because.. well it's severe.. anestesia.. memory loss.. lots of problems.. i know people have endured great success with it.. but i dont know that i am ready to make that step.

I looked into TMS providers here and there is nobody close.. so i would have to drive an hour each way .. 5 days a week for 6 weeks to start..

TMS is basically they use a big magnet to spark energy in your brain to increase the production of certain neurotransmitters.. It's FDA approved.. covered in medicare/medicaid.. and looks like a great solution.. just spending that kinda travel really isnt feasable seeing as i dont have a car.. 

Lets backup for a minute.. along with all this wonderful pain and depression i have.. i was rendered homeless by Hurricane Harvey.. lost my house and my car.. and i am having to live with my father and step mother.. stress all in it's own.. 

So in looking at TMS stuff i found tCDS. 

tDCS is basically using a TENS unit on specific points on your head. Fisher-Wallace has a device out on the market to do just that.. however they want 700 bucks for it.. It's NOT FDA approved as a treatment yet.. however I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.. I already have a TENS unit from my back surgeries (yea.. one that costs 40 bucks not 700).. So i'm doing a little self experimenting. There are also OTHER tDCS devices available besides the fisher wallace that cost 75-200.

Friday 9/29 i stopped the Lamictal and started treating myself with tDCS using my own TENS unit. So i am going to post here my results as they come about..

As I said it has been one week. In the first 2-3 days I noticed a dramatic decrease in extreme emotionaility due to the termination of Lamictil. Lamictil was intersting.. Honestly i havent felt ANY emotion for a long time.. happy or sad.. and on lamictil as i watched TV i would laugh when something was funny and cry when it was sad.. Totally foreign to me after all this time.. but again.. it was WAY too much.. i would cry at the least little thing.. and wasnt able to control my emotions.. Now a week later i still tear up sometimes .. but not really often.. i can feel myself leveling out quite a bit. 

That friday I started treating myself 2x a day for 15 min each with a steady pulse of electricity at my temples (where the fisher wallace device sits). I found if i put the pads too low (closer to my eyes) it tended to give me headaches.. but positioned properly a minor headache for 30 min or so sometimes.. not always.. it is my understanding that this is NOT a problem with TMS.. 

My mood has evened out.. and i feel fairly normal.. now lets be honest here.. there is STILL some lamictil in my system.. So as time progresses i will update my posts with more informaiton. But so far.. Stable mood.. no thoughts of suicide.. no thoughts of hopelessness or self harm.. (self harm was never one of my issues however suicide and hopelessness were). 

I am NOT recommending this. I am NOT suggesting this. I am just reporting my findings. You need to talk to your doctors and therapists and get their ideas and treatments. I am NOT a doctor. I actually am a therapist and have been following TMS/tDCS publications for a few years now.. I have worked in a psychiatric hospital with patients on ECT before so i have some exeperience in the field. However.. as always .. do what i say not what i do.. do NOT experiment on yourself. 

Luckilly I am under the 24/7 care of a medical professional to monitor me. As well as currently in treatment by a therapist.

I am a BIG believer in therapy.. well i'm a therapist.. find one you can talk to.. trust.. not be judged by.. and tell all your secrets to.. you PAY them NOT to judge you.. you pay them to keep your secrets.. trust them.

I will keep posting as time goes on.. feel free to email me if you have questions. 

I would be happy to hear from anyone using the FisherWallace or similar devices and find out if/how helpful they are. 

You can Survive!! It doesnt have to suck so bad.. i'm 45 with 15 years of pain and back surgery.. i was trampled by a hurricane and lost everything.. i'm being forced to live with the very people who used me as weapons of war.. i'm doing it.. i'm NOT suicidal or hopeless.. It IS POSSIBLE!!

Good Luck. I will keep posting and reading my emails.