Well firstly, great catharsis! You have a lot of mature insight and that is to be admired. I can identify with the reputation thing, as I am a perfectionist. Do you think you could be a perfectionist also? That's a heck of a thing to live with, even if it DOES mean your house is clean and tidy most of the time. We ALL make bad decisions, act impulsively and irrationally, and live to regret it, but this doesn't make us bad people. It means we're growing, and we're learning slowly how to control our emotions. The bad news is that at 45 I still can't do it all the time, but it doesn't mean that I'm defective.

You talk about "passive" suicide, and I have done that for about 4 years. It was reigniting a career that I love which saved me from it, but even now I have days when I just can't cope and I want to drink myself to death, or the closest toilet.

Are you having any kind of therapy, because I really think that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could help you as you make a lot of "wrong" assumptions about yourself, so you think you're a bit shit. Well from my perspective, you are NOT shit, you're an intelligent young man who is trying so hard not to hurt anyone or make then think ill of you that you've tied your brain up in knots.

you realy hit a cord in me and one i dont know if i realy want to here the answer to but i think you actualy answered already .................i gess my reputation has has been important to me in one way i wanted to make sure everyone knew i was not one to lie or imbelis a storie .i always tell the truth and that was so if i ever had to tell some one somthing they would belive me ......................but that was a far as it went ..............everyone has negitives and positives ..............it is called being human...............i dont belive you are a wrong person if you were you wouldent be in here suffering from depreshion .........most people who suffer from depreshion because they care to much for there owen good...............we all make mistakes and some times when we make a disision it is the best disision for that time but as time goes by it turnes out not to be a good disision but that was somthing we couldent see at the time .................it is very good you are riting us and telling us all of this it is showing trust ...........and you need to talk about it to get better and i am here to lisen to you ........thankyou for trusting ..........god bless you i will keep you in my prayers

thank you guys soo much for saying that..it actually really does make me feel a whole lot better right now. in terms of therapy i've actually started seeing this therapist at my school(once a week) and i plan on going to my 2nd appointment on thursday. and i dnt know today, when i wrote that i coulda sworn i had hit rock bottom, i'm going thru a lot right now and i feel it's good that i have a place like this to vent, so once again thankyou for all ur advice