Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Levicah 04/12/2013

Does anyone here speculate on their brain chemistry? With no depression meds ever helping, I think I have damaged neural receptors. Or "caused" an over abundance of receptor sites that makes it impossible to feel true euphoria or fulfillment.
I believe I caused this brain damage by decades of stimulant use. Certain recreational drugs flood the brain with a perfect blend of nor epinephrine and dopamine. Serotonin re uptake inhibitors free up these chemicals but in different amounts or blends.
I never thought of this whole synapses process as part of the brain as in "brain damage"
Am I making any sense? I feel damaged beyond help. Doomed to constant unrelenting depression. After years and years of clean living, this depression persists, I dont believe I have healed any, but I am slowly building a tolerance to the darkest parts of depression, being able to get certain things done that need to be done, but no motivation or drive to do most things that I "should" get done. Apathy.

deleted_user 04/13/2013

I think I could have written the exact same post. The very fact I believed that i couldnt ever feel that euphoria of being happy or "high on life" like other "normal" people is how and why i became addicted to the manufactured euphoria of Vicodin and Percocet . These pills would make me feel that happiness and euphoria I hadn't felt in a very very long time. I was so much more personable and outgoing. Without them, I was distant and a loner and preferred it that way. My introversion makes it less likely to be euphoric for any reason. But eventually I had to take more pills more often and that lead to an addiction to opiates. And without them, the valleys seem even deeper. But I wouldn't trade sobriety for brief and very dangerous manufactured euphoria if you paid me.
I don't know if my brain is capable of producing the feel good chemicals anymore. I pretty much think I've given up hope on that.
But, I keep trying and keep fighting. Hope you do too.

freedomatlonglast 04/13/2013

Hi Levicah,

Do you think it is possible that you always had low amounts of the chemicald and that is what drew you to certain drugs? In retrospect, you may feel like you are more depressed now than you were before, but it may be that your perception of what happiness is has changed after using drugs.

The body is a complex process, there is so much we have yet to learn about how it functions. The best treatment for depression seems to be finding out as much as we can about what helps us personally and combining it to create our own treatment plan. This may be through off-label use of prescription medication, vitamins, exercise and the creation of more joy in your life.

Levicah 04/13/2013

Thanks inHisHand....yep. I do live with chronic pain, and tend to self medicate with opiates. Incredible tolerance to that stuff when I'm taking it. I'm taking a break right now. I want to "lose" my pain doctor for good, but it took years to build trust. If my pain goes over the top I'll be screwed. So I dont know what to do at this point.

Freedomat, thanks for reminding me about why I started taking drugs at an early age...the thought does lessen the moral condemnation I feel. I have struggled with drug and alcohol abuse my whole life. I no longer drink because of cirrhosis. I still struggle with my pain meds when I have them. I do think something was missing when I was young, I smoked pot daily from puberty to mid 20's...cant smoke pot anymore, I cant enjoy it like I used to.
I guess this thread is kind of self limiting....nothing I can do about my brain. Just wanted feed back, thanks!

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