My mental health seems to be deteriorating.  I'm not really surprised with everything I have going on, the cancer diagnosis and family troubles.  Today I woke up very early and could not get back to sleep.  I got up when it got light and got dressed and got out of the house quickly. I didn't want to be around my mom.  I am so angry and hurt by her.  The hurt was so bad today I couldn't handle it.  The pain was winning you know?  Usually I can manage it.  But today it was serious.  I sat by the river in my car and called the suicide hotline.  She told me to call a different number and I did.  I got a nice lady. We talked a long time.  about a half hour into the call I broke down and started to cry which was good. I so rarely cry and all that pain is just pent up in there.  You really need someone to care to cry to, you know? 

I realized sitting in the car that I was in even more pain that I realized and that I really really needed someone to care about me so that I could survive.  And I also realized that my family does not care.  I mean I kind of know that but it's on the surface.  It hit me in the gut today and felt real.  It is real.  That is the problem or at least one of the big ones.  I can't look that truth directly in the face every day or I can't survive.  I have to try to manage it some other way until I can get into a healthier situation.  

I'm still feeling very poorly.  I am trying to keep it together but life has become like a bad dream.  Coming here helps keep me somewhat grounded.  Sorry for all the posts.  I guess I'm not the only one.  Thank you for listening.  It's so awful to be ignored.