Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Where to begin....
So, the wife told me 6 weeks ago that she didn't want to be married anymore. I knew she was stressed with work and a bunch of things but I didn't, couldn't, see that it was this bad. She will barely talk to me at all. It was like a switch flipped and she was done. That day before we talked I had already decided that I needed professional help and I am doing that. For me. I started really examining my behavior and what was going on with me. Reading books on the subject etc.
I have always felt different since I was little. I started remembering more and more. I was mentally, verbally and physically abused starting around the age of 5. My step dad was pretty violent. My mom must have known of at least some of it. I feel betrayed that she wouldn't help me. I did the best I could as a little boy. I put up walls. Built my armor. I learned that I didn't matter so pretty much nothing else did either. I sacrificed my vulnerability, compassion and empathy. I could always get along with people but I always held them at arms length. I never let people in. My shame was so great. That's the short version anyway.
2 years ago my step dad molested my brothers little girl. He went to prison. I was upset as anyone would be by such a horrible thing but I didn't realize that it triggered me. My mom continued to support him. When he got out I triggered again. So all this time I'm grumpier and not in my right mind. My relationship suffered. The wife was dealing with her own stresses. I was in a negative place.
So, fast forward to now. I have been this way for over 30 years. It's all I have ever known. I blocked out a lot of that past stuff. The wife and I have been married for just under 6 years. I have let her in way more than I ever have anyone else. I see it wasn't enough for her and to be honest it's not enough for me now that my mind is waking up. I wan't so much more. To connect, to have passion, to hold her and let her know that I love her most in this world, to take joy in anything she enjoys. everything.
Along with the usual growing apart a bit. Me doing my thing and she hers and not working on the relationship etc things suffered. I just couldn't realize what what happening at the time. Now that I have awakened it's so clear. I can see a way to fix everything. Be the person I want to be and have the relationship I want. It's so close! She is done. Nothing I can do.
I know I have taken her and the relationship for granted and been a jerk at times. I own my part in getting to this point. It wasn't all me of course but enough of it was. To make matters worse, she is a therapist of sorts. I just wish she would have pulled me aside and said "I'm not your therapist but I'm worried about you and us. I'm seeing that there is stuff going on with you. I can't go on like this. We need to do something." It would have woken me up so much sooner.
She says it's too little to late. She feels it was a betrayal of trust in our relationship to not share my past abuse with her. I really tried to tell her that I didn't mean it like that. I didn't even remember almost all of that until my world turned upside down and I really started thinking, self examining and seeing a therapist. I have hurt her trust. I see no way to get that back as of now. It doesn't matter that I want what she wants. I really understand what she was trying to tell me now.
I'm fighting a battle on 2 fronts. My horrible childhood past and dealing with her not wanting me and getting a divorce. She is not interested in talking or hearing about my past. I'm kind of on my own with that. I don't know that I can deal with all of this. I have fought so hard to start to improve myself and understand what I was doing and why. I know my therapy is for me but she was the catalyst. I faced this for her, for our relationship. It breaks my heart. I'm too late. She says she cares for me and loves me but is not in love with me. No matter what I do. My emotions are a bit unchecked right now. Everything is waking up. I'm desperately trying to keep whatever progress I have made so far and not put those walls back up to protect myself. If only she would agree to a short time of trying couples therapy just to see. I know people can get that spark back. It happens. I feel depression and despair kicking in a lot. I can't eat much. I can't sleep much. It's hard for my to find joy in things that I like.
Talking to people, especially people that understand, helps. Other times I'm unraveling....
DS has a group ... Breakups and Divorce and of course, you are welcome here.
I suggest you inform her of what you posted .... mostly in so many words. You are eloquent.
If that 'doesn't take', get a good lawyer.
I have b tried talking, leaving her letters on her pillow etc. None of it seems to make a difference. It certainly does seem like there is no stopping the divorce train.
It breaks my heart because everything that needs fixing, I firmly believe we could fix with the help of a professional.
Do you know if she's met someone? Women aren't built like men and I'll bet you know that, but often I think we get confused with how men and women are and the fact that we're so very different.
I divorced my husband nine years ago after twenty-two very difficult years. He had an affair with an employee who was also married so the pain of his cheating was compounded by the public humiliation and I had a toddler who was one and another who was ten.
I stayed with him. It wasn't a conscious decision, he came back after I threw him out and didn't want to go through anymore drama or put my kids through it.
I tried, he was as distant as he ever was and had an addiction to porn. What I mean by addiction is he'd stay up all nigh every night with his computer and sleep for an hour or two and then go to work, come home and then back to the computer. He didn't want to be there and to me this was painfully obvious, but he also didn't want a divorce. It was so crazy day in and day out and things became worse as he became violent.
I'll stop right there. My stories long and convoluted, but I can tell you I was done and only wish he had let me continue to love him, we shared two children and our lives would forever be linked, but he rather I was dead than divorce him. I still don't understand nine years later how someone could behave like him?
I was not in love with him anymore and nothing he could have said or done at that point could have changed it. I had fear and anxiety because he threatened me, I lost everything in a monetary way, I literally went through hell and my only regret is I stayed as long as I did.
You don't sound like a physically or mentally abusive person and you do seem very introspective, but you need to respect her wishes. Don't be a door mat, but do be fair and if you two are meant to be together a divorce is just a legal procedure. Don't be a stocker, but be a friend. That's what marriage ultimately should be and ideally you can remain civil and respectful during and after.
We're all just becoming who we're meant to be so focus on you and continue to deal with your demons because life can get better.