Things have been very complicated lately for me. Last week I went into this mood I guess, I spent 3 days in bed doing nothing but crying and drinking vodka. I didn't even eat a single thing, I didn't take my meds (for minor epilepsy & depression), I barely got up to go to the bathroom.
I told my only two real friends to forget about me, that I only make their lives miserable, I lied to my parents told them I had a bad migraine attack so that they didn't bother me, and I just sat in bed and cried.
All I felt is this pain inside my chest, as if I'm choking, at first I thought maybe it was an anxiety attack or something, but it's constant so it can't be an anxiety attack. It just puts me in such a bad place that I can't get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. Everything in my head is telling me I'm worthless, I'm pathetic, that the world would be a better place without me.
I had a friend who fought for me, forced me out of bed, made me stay with her for a couple days, and that felt good. For the first time in my life I didn't feel so alone. But then this morning I woke up and that pain is back. Nothing has changed, I'm still with her, still not alone, but the voices in my head telling me I'm worthless, I'm pathetic, that the world would be a better place without me, I can't shut them up anymore. I don't know how.