yup i know, smiling on the outside, die on the inside

I feel the same frequently. As hard as is it you have tell yourself at those times you don't feel safe,"It's the disease not me that causes these thoughts". I believe it is the enemy (satan) who continues to whisper these thoughts into our heads because he knows if we kill ourselves it is a sin we can never repent from and we will be seperated from God for eternity. Thats what he does, thats his sole motivation is to take God's children away from him. We can't let him win, we have to beat him at all costs. Pray and ask God to deliver you from the enemy, ask him to take over all aspects of your life. Surrender to his will and allow him to give you peace and joy.

Only people that know me understand that I put up a guise of doing well. In reality, its anything but that on the inside. For me it is a way of trying to keep something of a shred of normalcy. Its hard enough for me to deal with; I do not want to constantly bring everyone else down looking sad all the time, so I hide. I hide behind a fake smile or chuckle. If I have to talk and hold a long smile, my lips quiver and then I get the thousand yard stare look.

yes, they can. I think we all learn to put on the "fake" I am o.k. face. Thing is I wish that we were able to believe it like those looking at us do.

Yes, the old fake happy.

I think it works, but we must be careful about how much we use it. When we use it too much we deny issues, and reinforce the notion that we need to be ashamed of our selves.

The counter to this is when we never use the fake happy. Then we are seen as gloomy people, and our social interaction tends to drop to zero.

Sigh.

I think the trick is to find a place like DS where we can stand up and say "DAMNIT I HURT!"

Hope you feel better saying what you did. But there has got to be more to it; so when you are ready blurt that part out too!

I cant even fake happy....how does one do that?? I wear my emotions on my sleeve and right now they are so high and I dont know how to control them....

i really understand that feeling . that awful mask i wear mine so well . only you can see the true you .

That's how I often feel. I put on what I call a "fake face" around the people who love me. But sometimes I just can't do it. I can really relate to you.

"You present well", that was what I heard after being diagnosed with the depression. "I'd never know". Thank goodness I can let my close friends know when I'm struggling now, and they're there for me!

Exactly! I've been told I am very stoich which is sooo true.

i am no expert, i am depressed a lot. gotta love these dark days too. here is how i cope

"I want to kill myself" - look at that phrase, there are two people there? I and myself

so that means that someone, or something is watching this depression that is attacking "myself"

who is aware that I am depressed. the peace within watches.

example... go to the beach for a minute, see the ocean, feel the breeze, take in the place where the ocean meets the sky upon the horizon. that is you..right...

that is the place you are that watches the depression (like a cloud) appear. and we then think its us. its not... you are THAT which the cloud of depressions lands upon.

this is how i deal with this... does it make me happy, no, does it take it away no.. but it does allow me to see and watch the cloud appear, knowing its not me, that helps as i know all clouds pass. and when looked at directly clouds are space too.

I know excatley what you mean except for today i cant even manage to put a prtend smile on my face. Im just over it its just to hard.

I hate the old AA/NA/CA motto of, "fake it til you make it!" Thats why I never went back. Everyone was a fraud. At least I can admit that inside I am tormented instead of convincing myself and everyone else I am ok. Sometimes that mask needs to be put on to appease others because if they really wanted to know how I was they would become depressed themselves. I used my happy face to avoid hurting others. I keep my sadness, for the most part, inside. During class I cannot have a breakdown with my teacher, or the hot girl that I barely know. They just would not understand and only feel bad. Maybe I'm wrong. Im too scared to know or try. I stay locked inside, fighting this thing daily. I do not know emotion any more. Its really strange.

'sick of crying, tired of trying, yeah im smiling, but deep inside, I'm dying...'
yep, I know how you feel, but it'll get better, 'it'll be ok in the end, if its not ok, then it's not ok'
Im here if you ever need to chat :) xx

We are all in the same boat, this is the disease that we have. It keeps us from relating to people, and it keeps people from relating to us. We have to keep a mask on, so people won't be afraid to interact with us. To keep a sense of normalcy is all we can hope for. To try to get thru each day without getting hurt is the goal most of us set for ourselves. So, keep smiling, maybe one day it will grow on you and you'll be smiling on the inside as well as outside. This is what I wish for all of you.