Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I am sorry. I feel like the only time I show up is when I am near the bottom, but i need to vent without judgement and i know I can do it here. My brothers and I have been taking care of mom since dad died in 1996. That is 18 years ago. The woman will not even change a battery by herself. Her main caretaker, my youngest brother, passed away in 2011. And now....my other brother needs to be there for his wife, who has cancer. He called me at the beginning of the week. I had stupidly shared with a cousin how overwhelmed i am....I was diagnosed with depression eons ago, there are problems with my marriage, i need surgery, and my mother, who is a hypochondriac, thinks we owe her somthing for putting us here (her words) and expects us to be available to her at all times.My cousin said something to my brother, and my brother is LIVID! With me! He claims I do not do enough for my mother and feels because my hours were cut at work, i should be doing most of it. and has told me he will never talk to me again if I continue to complain and do not help more. Mom is into game playing. She wanted palm crosses brought to the cemetaries for palm Sunday. She called me the day before and expected me to drop what I was doing and take her there. I could not, as my husband and i were getting ready to go somewhere. Because we were all getiing together for dinner the following day, I suggested I take her then. She said "why didn't I think of that?" Then I find out she harrassed my brother until he dropped everything and took her. This was translated as being my fault. We take turns weekly getting her groceries. She has been known to tell me she needs nothing only to call him with a huge order, and this, to him, translates as me not shopping for her. She refuses to make appointments after 2 when I am done with work. But if i do not take her, this translates as me not helping. She had herself admitted to the ER 3 times since Easter, for various things..NONE of which turned out to be happening. I was out of town for the last 2.....and this translated as me ignoring messages on my home phone. My brother will not allow me a chance to explain, which is actually ok with me. The less I have to do with him the better. He has never thought much of me. Unfortunately, it was the brother that passed away, that loved me unconditionally. My mom has MS. She has meals brought in. She has a cleaning lady. Her meds are delivered. We do the shopping and take out the garbage. She uses a van service for appointments she needs to get to during my working hours. I am clueless as to how this is not enough!!!!! And if it is not, as she claims...then she should be in assisted living, which I have suggested, but she threatened to kill herself if we do that. I am tired of being asked to sleep over because she is "scared" of one thing or another. Growing up I was ALWAYS the family caretaker. Dad drank, mom was afraid of her own shadow. I took care of my brothers. When I got married and moved away with my husband....she called several times a week BEGGING me, in tears, to move back home. At the end of a year, i was diagnosed on the edge of a breakdown, and my poor husband thought it best if we did move back. Some days I am sorry I did. I am in therapy, I am on anti-depressants.....yet I am disappointed when I wake up in the morning. I will not hurt myself, but I do not want to be here anymore. Attempts to sort all this out are pointless. Both mother and brother are hotheads who can twist things around so badly that i end up doubting myself. My mother has insisted many times that the things I say happened, did not, to the point I asked my therapist if i could be seeing and hearing things. However, I have taped some things and found some witnesses so i know I am not losing my mind. I am currently keeping a log of my interactions with her to prove to others that I am doing my part. I hate my life.
Your mother and brother do NOT want this. They both seem to want you to devote all your time to your mother.
I don't think that you can prove yourself to your brother and mother, they don't want it to happen, and will not admit to the truth.
Limits need to be set. (We talk about that a LOT over in the care for aging parents group.) If your mother and brother will not negotiate those limits in good faith then you need to set limits yourself.
Consider cutting them off cold turkey, if only for a while. If they complain then tell them that "Since I don't do my fair share, according to you, then you will not really miss the small time I do give you."
Or words to that effect.
Gentle hugs
I empathize with you because I am going through very similar situation. I learned from my experience that Mom will not change even if her life depended on it that just is the way it is.
I called my brother too and he was not happy about it. I will help but she wants things done in her on terms. I explained to her that I/we can only do what we can do. I also had explained to her that I have my own baggage to carry and I can only do such.
I will reiterated that Mom is the way she is and that is a fact. Is either help or not help. I will help within my abilities.
So as long as you know you are doing everything you can and 10% more and keeping in consideration everything else in your life then you are doing what you can.
There is no easy solution but only understanding among everyone involve.
Best wishes and Hugs, don't be an estranger.
-Victorious