I rarely let myself get a crush, but when I do, I get attached. People tell me "it's just a meaningless crush" or "you'll get over him" but to me, it's so much more than that. You see, I've had very little friends ever since a big falling out in sophomore year of high school (most of the ones I had/have are toxic and I've been cutting them off for my own good) and have found it really hard to get my social life back together, which is why I value being in a relationship so much. I've never been in one, so firstly, I'd probably want to know how it would be like. But, I also want to be in one because it'd secure having someone who I like who likes me back, and would likely not be a toxic relationship (although there would be some exceptions). 

The feeling I get when I have a crush is weird. It's the feeling of excitement when I see them, and extreme loneliness when I don't. Even putting it into words doesn't do it justice, but it physically hurts my heart. At times, I find it hard to breath when I know that I will never see them again. 

I guess another cause for this feeling could be that being in a relationship would also make me feel less insecure about myself, like my acne, etc. Self worth has always been a complicated issue for me, especially when I find it hard to love who I am. 

I think I've cried about this guy for days because every time I see him, I get this feeling of joy that I just can't keep because I know he either does not like me, or will be in my life for a very short amount of time. This is why I choose to not get to know them - because they'll be ripped away from my life.

I just want to feel that feeling when I'm with them - that natural high I want to capture and bottle up.