Hi. Your voice is heard!

If you were raised to be a people pleaser and codependent...it's a fucked up place to be...and I totally understand how you feel. Seems like you're last in your life...and everybody's needs are more important than yours.

When you do have time to do something with yourself...you're too drained to cultivate new friendships, try new things. Even at times you start to feel guilty for wanting or having needs...or you get to a point that you trained not to have any at all.

You look around seeing people who are bit more selfish than you...with things you wished you had....and you wonder...I'm so giving, caring, self sacrificing, have been the perfect dutiful daughter...why haven't I been rewarded in life?

I figured out the answer - it's bc these selfish people knew how to put themselves first. I had a narcisstic sister who is in stark contrast different than me. I was raised to be codependent...take care of everyone...and she didn't click with that message.

I remember how instead of going to family functions, she would run off to vacation with her friends or boyfriend...while I did the dutiful thing by spending my vacation off work to "hang" with my parents...wtf.

I remember...when my mom was diagnosed with a life threatening illness, she sent flowers...but didn't even return home to care for her. I did.

I'm not condoning selfish behavior here...but I am just trying to show a point...that my sister put herself first.

It's also ironic...bc she often all tries to guilt me into coming to help her when she needs something...which since I was so nicely codependent...I would go...with my mom barking in my ear...she's your sister help her.

Then came the wake up call. I realize would my sister do this for me? No...the last time she tried to guilt me, I confronted her...and she hasn't tried since.

I also told my mom...that she should stop guilting me into doing things for others. I realize she wanted me to help others b/c she couldn't...so by guilting me into doing it...she was indirectly fulfilling her codependent needs. We also had a conversation...if you want to help someone...don't fucking con me into doing it.

I also had friends who I often would just go along with their plans. But I realize...why? So I had to confront them and say...we need to do things I like too. They understood.

Basically...when you're ready...you have to put down boundaries...and yes someone else is going to get uncomfortable, suffer, and have less care from you.

But those actions will return the energy you are giving back to you...and much deserving so.

I played the codependent, people pleaser game for so long...and still struggle at times...but when I speak up, draw lines in the sand...I feel so much better.

Treat yourself well...start small if you think making big changes are hard.

Buy yourself the most expensive, best quality teas...and snacks and enjoy your videos.

Then treat yourself to nice gifts. Even it's buying a more expensive item than you normally would go for.

By changing little things, we can show that we are important.

You're not alone...I feel we are the generation of people pleasers...that's why there's a booming self help industry writing books for people like us.

Sending you light and love!

Anna,

Can you get temporary relief from the daily care of your mother? There are some social services that offer respite help for care-givers. Perhaps you can find some help so you can have time for yourself.

I understood every word you said as if I were writing it myself. There are those of us here who care to hear when you need to vent, so please tell us. Sending you hugs!

I hear you! I often feel guilty about little things I seems to fuss over, but know its okay. Have some validation and self compassion, darling! if you need to do nothing do nothing... its okay! warm hugs

Hello,

It is okay to vent, every once in awhile we can do it. You are not selfish, if you have friends that do not understand the hectic lifestyle then they aren't true friends. Is it possible to take five mins to watch a funny video to distract yourself. Have you tried meditation, it can help at times if you feel too overwhelmed.

These are amazing messages. I have to do some stuff now but I'm coming back later to write more. Thank you so much. You totally get it!!!

I'm so sorry you are stuck with no help. I can see how you feel trapped. You didn't tell much about your mom. Do you get along? Have a good relationship? Do you love her? She you? If you do have a mostly positive relationship I can assure you you will miss her when she's gone. Both my parents are gone now and I would give anything for even a bad day with either one of them. On the other hand if you really don't want her close to you, you could look into nursing home care. if money is an issue look into state Medicaid. I'm assuming you are in the U.S. Again I am sorry you seem to be alone in caring for your mom and it can be overwhelming for anyone. God bless and I hope you feel better.

Scott, thanks for the reply and I'm sorry you don't have your parents now. Yes, my mom and I love each other but it's just really hard to live with her. She doesn't want to go to nursing care so right now this is how it is and I'm trying to make the best of it. Thanks for understanding and for well wishes. Best wishes to you, too.

I hope this finds you a bit better off today. Caretaking is sooooo difficult I did it for my grandparents and I have a special needs child so I get how difficult it can be. They have home health care that can sit with your mother at different times. They can reprieve you and give you time to do what you need to do. We did this with both of my grandparents they would just sit with her, help clean her room, help her get dressed and so on. This was very helpful. Make sure you have downtime this will help you deal with everything or at least get you through the day. Rest is vital. I am praying for you and your situation. -Rachel

Hi Anna I get it too. I a.0m in somewhat of a similar boat or was. It isn't 3asy to do what your doing. Just taking care of yourself with 11 hour days us hard, let alone to be a caregiver. Where I live the churches can help with.sometimes and the YMCA offer some help. I agree with Lucille you need ti.e to rest and have so self nurturing, too. I too am somewhat chronically lonely and depressed. But I do self indulge a little. I'm a visitor at a prayer group right now, not totally committed. But you may find so.e support in a faith group of sort or through journaling as a tool for getti g through.
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How do you make friends ? I am 53 and have like 1 friend I used to have a friend in Mass but then it disappeared. I lost a good job.....still looking for work.
What's the difference between friends at work and friends outside of work?