Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So this is both and introduction and a request for advice. My name is Lynn, I'm 21 and live in Alaska. I apologize in advance for how long this is.
This year has probably without a doubt been the worst year of my life to date and I have no idea how to get past it all. I'm drowning in depression and panic attacks right now and anything that can help, I'm willing to try.
So a bit about my situation. I was employed at an awesome company for several years. A few months ago, I was laid off because funding went under for the department I worked and I've been yet to find a job since. I'm falling behind on credit and medical payments as well as student loans, I'm at a point of almost needing to file bankruptcy to try and get rid of some of it but I'm terrified of the consequences of doing so.
Six months ago, my fiance and I found out we were expecting our first baby. He had a good job, enough that I could stay home if I could not find a job and not need to panic too bad about money. Things were great for a while. He encouraged me to go back to school, he would work then when I got a little settled in my career, he would go to training school and become certified.
Our relationship hasn't always been great, in fact...for a long time it was fairly abusive. He had (possibly has resumed) a serious drug habit, and we were so dysfunctional that I ended up losing most of my friends because they didn't want to deal with us. I did stay though, and I really tried to stick it all out and resolve what was going on, I do still love him more than I thought I would ever love anyone...but it only got worse, until we found out about our baby. I don't think in the entire three years, we had ever been so happy and a lot (not all) of our dysfunction had dissipated. I was over the moon and everything was falling back into place. I had my baby, and my soon to be husband, I was going back to school. Things were looking up.
Until everything came crashing downs a few weeks ago. Mere days before the 20 week appointment, I started bleeding and bolted to the hospital where they told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore, they suspected Trisomy 18 (which i was going through testing for since I did flag high risk). I was going into labor. I went home immediately, got my fiance and I delivered my baby the next morning, a little boy. We were BEYOND devasted. Instead of planning to buy him his baby stuff, and being excited about the rest of his life, we were in the middle of a funeral home making arrangements.
My fiance was amazing for the labor and the couple following days. I couldn't have asked for any better. He did everything to make sure I was taken care of, he didn't leave my side except those moments he needed to himself to grieve on his own terms. I honestly don't know how I would have made it those first couple days without him.
But then the abuse started coming back. Three days after our sons birth, he had to return to work. A friend of ours that was there at the hospital with us wanted to help us out a little. When I went to pick him up from work, i brought her along. He was immediately mean the second he got in the car. Not only to me, but to her. She tried sticking up for me when he started calling me names and driving recklessly with me in the car. He flipped on her then told me if I couldn't control my friends, he was leaving me. I told her to stay out of it, its only making it worse...but she kept going. We got home and he immediately started packing up his stuff. I went into panic mode, and eventually after a lot of fighting, him calling me names and belittling me, I got him to stay on the terms I didn't bring her around him anymore.
A few days later, she started texting...blowing up my phone to see if I was okay. He grabbed my phone and immediately asked if I was going to answer. I told him no, then he asked if I bitched her out for what she did. Again, I told him no. He got angry, saying if I can't stick up for him, then there isn't any point being together. Got his jacket and left. I followed, asking if we could talk. He pushed me into the road. I got up, in a panick attack and just went back home. Not even five minutes later, he was back in the house throwing his stuff around. I asked him to leave for a while so I can calm down, and he pushes me onto the bed and starts strangling me and calling me horrible names. I finally break lose and get to a phone to call 911. He had left the house at that point. The cops showed up, we were talking when he started charging towards me up the driveway, screaming at me for getting him sent him to jail. Well they did take him and charged him with domestic assault.
In a way, I regret it. I do still love him very much and miss him, I'm left without my son, or my fiance (losing both in the span of a week and a half), no job, in debt and losing hope. I can't get out of bed unless I've taken my pain medication I was given after labor...and I've been more or less, relying on it to keep me going enough to try and see any way out. Which is terrifying. Addiction is not something I want to deal with in addition to the mess I'm already in, but I'm so deep in depression right now that I can't even wrap my head around it. I'm obsessing about being able to ever find a man that I love as much as my ex fiance (not to mention I gained a lot of weight in the three years of being with him...so I'm not even all that attractive anymore), being able to have a family, being able to even make it past losing my first baby...I don't know what to do...I feel dead.
I just want to be okay again. I miss being happy.
This year has probably without a doubt been the worst year of my life to date and I have no idea how to get past it all. I'm drowning in depression and panic attacks right now and anything that can help, I'm willing to try.
So a bit about my situation. I was employed at an awesome company for several years. A few months ago, I was laid off because funding went under for the department I worked and I've been yet to find a job since. I'm falling behind on credit and medical payments as well as student loans, I'm at a point of almost needing to file bankruptcy to try and get rid of some of it but I'm terrified of the consequences of doing so.
Six months ago, my fiance and I found out we were expecting our first baby. He had a good job, enough that I could stay home if I could not find a job and not need to panic too bad about money. Things were great for a while. He encouraged me to go back to school, he would work then when I got a little settled in my career, he would go to training school and become certified.
Our relationship hasn't always been great, in fact...for a long time it was fairly abusive. He had (possibly has resumed) a serious drug habit, and we were so dysfunctional that I ended up losing most of my friends because they didn't want to deal with us. I did stay though, and I really tried to stick it all out and resolve what was going on, I do still love him more than I thought I would ever love anyone...but it only got worse, until we found out about our baby. I don't think in the entire three years, we had ever been so happy and a lot (not all) of our dysfunction had dissipated. I was over the moon and everything was falling back into place. I had my baby, and my soon to be husband, I was going back to school. Things were looking up.
Until everything came crashing downs a few weeks ago. Mere days before the 20 week appointment, I started bleeding and bolted to the hospital where they told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore, they suspected Trisomy 18 (which i was going through testing for since I did flag high risk). I was going into labor. I went home immediately, got my fiance and I delivered my baby the next morning, a little boy. We were BEYOND devasted. Instead of planning to buy him his baby stuff, and being excited about the rest of his life, we were in the middle of a funeral home making arrangements.
My fiance was amazing for the labor and the couple following days. I couldn't have asked for any better. He did everything to make sure I was taken care of, he didn't leave my side except those moments he needed to himself to grieve on his own terms. I honestly don't know how I would have made it those first couple days without him.
But then the abuse started coming back. Three days after our sons birth, he had to return to work. A friend of ours that was there at the hospital with us wanted to help us out a little. When I went to pick him up from work, i brought her along. He was immediately mean the second he got in the car. Not only to me, but to her. She tried sticking up for me when he started calling me names and driving recklessly with me in the car. He flipped on her then told me if I couldn't control my friends, he was leaving me. I told her to stay out of it, its only making it worse...but she kept going. We got home and he immediately started packing up his stuff. I went into panic mode, and eventually after a lot of fighting, him calling me names and belittling me, I got him to stay on the terms I didn't bring her around him anymore.
A few days later, she started texting...blowing up my phone to see if I was okay. He grabbed my phone and immediately asked if I was going to answer. I told him no, then he asked if I bitched her out for what she did. Again, I told him no. He got angry, saying if I can't stick up for him, then there isn't any point being together. Got his jacket and left. I followed, asking if we could talk. He pushed me into the road. I got up, in a panick attack and just went back home. Not even five minutes later, he was back in the house throwing his stuff around. I asked him to leave for a while so I can calm down, and he pushes me onto the bed and starts strangling me and calling me horrible names. I finally break lose and get to a phone to call 911. He had left the house at that point. The cops showed up, we were talking when he started charging towards me up the driveway, screaming at me for getting him sent him to jail. Well they did take him and charged him with domestic assault.
In a way, I regret it. I do still love him very much and miss him, I'm left without my son, or my fiance (losing both in the span of a week and a half), no job, in debt and losing hope. I can't get out of bed unless I've taken my pain medication I was given after labor...and I've been more or less, relying on it to keep me going enough to try and see any way out. Which is terrifying. Addiction is not something I want to deal with in addition to the mess I'm already in, but I'm so deep in depression right now that I can't even wrap my head around it. I'm obsessing about being able to ever find a man that I love as much as my ex fiance (not to mention I gained a lot of weight in the three years of being with him...so I'm not even all that attractive anymore), being able to have a family, being able to even make it past losing my first baby...I don't know what to do...I feel dead.
I just want to be okay again. I miss being happy.
First talk to your doctor about dealing with the pain as far as alternatives like physical therapy
Draw one last line with your spouse he breaks that line DUMP HIM and fly out of there don't look back and go to a safe shelter.. if there isnt one could you save for a bus ticket?
Please take care of yourself...
Wow, you've been through a lot recently and I'm so sorry for your lost. No matter what try to stay strong and never give up. Try your best to be positive. I feel for you so much, no should have to deal with that. The one piece of advice I want to you give surely is about loving someone. We often fall in love with a person for who they used to be or whom we thought they were and not who they turned out to be. This can make us love a person who we probably shouldn't and we do often seeking that how they made us feel, when it's truly not there or not worth whatever comes with it. They key to breakaway from this is realize that the person who you love is not that same person or never was in the beginning, just who want them to be to us. Once we realize this, we can begin to live on without them. Also when we look for love we often fall for someone because of how they make us feel better about ourselves, this leads to dependency, and to deal with this you must learn to love yourself and look for what you wanted in them and find in it yourself. We sometimes fall for people because they can provide for us what we can't for ourselves not for the person they are. If this is kind of choppy or confusing, you can message me to help you out or give more advice in general. Stay strong and have hope, it'll be ok!
Sincerely,
Torrance
I'm so sorry for your loss of your child. You are allowed to feel sad, hurt, grief, and pain. It is ok to mourn; it's natural. I'm sorry you have been overwhelmed lately. Being overwhelmed triggers deep depression for me also, and I usually shut down. I have to remind myself of the statements above. When I first read ' you are valuable' in a self help book, I cried. I never thought I was. Who cared about me? Now I repeat those statements everyday. I put them on post its around the house.
There is not a magic cure. You've been through a lot. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Lastly, I would recommend seeking out a grief support group, even if just online.
You are not alone.
Take time to grieve, grieving is normal after loss.
I hope you get to feeling better soon. Please do contact a health professional for help.