i haven't posted on this website in ages and finally logged back on because i have nowhere else to turn before the hospital (again) and don't want to have to force myself to go to a therapist, even though i know that i really need to.

i'm a full time college student, work 2 jobs, have an amazing, nearly 3 year long relationship with my boyfriend. he just finished undergraduate school and his official graduation is in another week. he also is about to commission for the U.S. army, and will be moving back to his home state where his base will be as well as the new job he just got outside of the military. to put that into perspective, i live in florida and he's moving back home to virginia in about another week and a half.

we've done distance before so that isn't the part that i'm worried about. what's giving me the discomfort is not knowing when i'll get to visit with him. we've talked about it half a dozen times and we know our relationship itself is going to be fine, it's just the being apart part of it is gonna be a challenge and will make me feel even more alone knowing i can't get up and drive an hour to see him like i normally can.

anyways... my grades and classes for this past semester that are closing out were a joke. i work so much and haven't been truly happy with myself financially, physically, emotionally, academically, or as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, or anything of the sort. i feel like i work so hard and that it's all for nothing. that my life is becoming a joke and that no matter what i do, it's not enough. i feel defeated.

constantly being in pain is another thing and that's for a personal reason, but being in physical pain everyday of my life and having to work to earn money and push through it is also shortening my patience for my success.

i like to constantly have company and not be alone because when i am, i think irrationally and overthink, and it eventually leads to me wanting to ignore anyone and everyone. it will also usually result in a panic attack and me crying myself to sleep.

i know that i need to see a therapist. i know i do. but just like everything else i know i need to do, want to do to better myself or just want to get done, the drive is there but the motivation to get up and do it or get it done is what's missing. and that's where my depression is hitting me harder than it ever has.

i used to self harm but haven't in a couple of years. it's always that option that's on the back burner, but i don't do it because it's temporary relief to an in-the-moment issue.

i don't know what to do or where to go from here.