So I'm all showered, dressed and ready to go ride my bike. It's 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday June 8th and I'm so exhausted and low on energy. I just took some pre workout. I'm hoping it kicks in soon as I really don't wanna spend almost a whole day in the house again feeling really depressed, but I also don't want to put too much strain on my wrists so I'm debating on if I should just take a long walk or ride my bike. Anyhow, very sad morning. I woke up thinking about Pedro and what he's going through dealing with me and my illnesses. The love of my life, the fire in my loins, but he deserves better. He's a good man. I am not the same person that he met. I do wish I was dead almost every day so I don't have to deal with this misery anymore, this guilt, this pain and putting other people through it with me. The ECT I feels is not really working. Nothing I feel is really working just total unhappiness and misery the majority of the time. I deserve to be alone. No one should have to deal with someone going through this shit unless ur a trained professional and this is what you have chosen to do. Decisions, decisions!