Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm a pretty depressed individual...well, that's why I am here.
I have lived through childhood abuse, sexual abuse (I'm a man), divorce, single parenthood, financial disasters, religious abuse....it's a never-ending list of abuse.
Am I perfect? Did I deserve some of the stuff that happened to me? Probably, but I'm human being and I have been on the receiving end of way too much in my life.
I also have self-esteem issues. I NEVER feel as if I measure up to ANYTHING that I'm doing. I'm never smart enough, strong enough, fast enough, caring enough, knowledgeable enough.... It doesn't matter to that dang voice in my head that I out perform most of my peers, adapt to crappy situations and excel. I feel like a poser, like someone pretending to be good enough. I feel like I have a mask on to project what I want the world to see. Inside I'm a ball of sadness, defeatism and despair.
Oh, and I spent 21 years in the USMC...retired a senior enlisted person....been around the world, been there done that....but in my mind, it was all for nothing and all a sham. I made it through the hardest of times, but I wasn't really a Marine, I was just a guy that slipped in through the cracks....that's how I feel about me.
A loser, a pretender, a fraud....
Now, my marriage is stagnant because my wife is depressed also, disabled by fibro, on pain pills and anti-depressants. I haven't been intimate with her in about a year...I want to run away.
I think to myself that I owe my family. I have older children who are out of control and refuse to try, but I have a 10 year old who is wonderful. I think he is the one thing that keeps me from taking myself out at times. You see, years ago I found my father dead in my house, when I was a bit younger than he was....I don't want him to see me that way...or to be the one to find me.
I have a knot in my throat while I'm writing this....so much sucks in my life, but I know that somewhere through all of the bs, there is some light.....I just can't see it anymore. His little smile is all that stands between me and nothing to lose. A cruel God gave me a cruel life. I fear for my little one. I ask the Almighty "kid with the magnifying glass" to just spare that little guy this hurt....and let him be happy and loved.
God, I'm so tired....and my prayers fall on deaf ears. Maybe he blocked my calls. If so, #$#% him.
I have lived through childhood abuse, sexual abuse (I'm a man), divorce, single parenthood, financial disasters, religious abuse....it's a never-ending list of abuse.
Am I perfect? Did I deserve some of the stuff that happened to me? Probably, but I'm human being and I have been on the receiving end of way too much in my life.
I also have self-esteem issues. I NEVER feel as if I measure up to ANYTHING that I'm doing. I'm never smart enough, strong enough, fast enough, caring enough, knowledgeable enough.... It doesn't matter to that dang voice in my head that I out perform most of my peers, adapt to crappy situations and excel. I feel like a poser, like someone pretending to be good enough. I feel like I have a mask on to project what I want the world to see. Inside I'm a ball of sadness, defeatism and despair.
Oh, and I spent 21 years in the USMC...retired a senior enlisted person....been around the world, been there done that....but in my mind, it was all for nothing and all a sham. I made it through the hardest of times, but I wasn't really a Marine, I was just a guy that slipped in through the cracks....that's how I feel about me.
A loser, a pretender, a fraud....
Now, my marriage is stagnant because my wife is depressed also, disabled by fibro, on pain pills and anti-depressants. I haven't been intimate with her in about a year...I want to run away.
I think to myself that I owe my family. I have older children who are out of control and refuse to try, but I have a 10 year old who is wonderful. I think he is the one thing that keeps me from taking myself out at times. You see, years ago I found my father dead in my house, when I was a bit younger than he was....I don't want him to see me that way...or to be the one to find me.
I have a knot in my throat while I'm writing this....so much sucks in my life, but I know that somewhere through all of the bs, there is some light.....I just can't see it anymore. His little smile is all that stands between me and nothing to lose. A cruel God gave me a cruel life. I fear for my little one. I ask the Almighty "kid with the magnifying glass" to just spare that little guy this hurt....and let him be happy and loved.
God, I'm so tired....and my prayers fall on deaf ears. Maybe he blocked my calls. If so, #$#% him.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
Ever had that person that "knows the simple answer" to your most complex nightmares? They drive me insane.
"Well you know, Ulfarr, it's your fault this is happening to you....If you do A, B, and C, you'll be just fine. Suck it up buddy!"
That is the kind of unsolicited advice that I get from people I know everyday. It's a good way to piss me off.
I want to scream, "You don't know me! Who the H### do you think you are? If it was that simple no one would fail!"
Oh, I hate their pompous, know-it-all attitudes. Seems like there is a psych major born every minute nowadays.
anyway I am also glad that your son is helping to keep you alive...that is positive item on the inventory list....it means your not going to take yourself out as you said you would like to....I am glad of that so we can get to be friends here and hopefully find some common ground....
I am recovering alcoholic drug addict with over 20yrs sober now....I have issues that my antidepressant meds seem to mask...I used to get thinking I should take myself out too....I tried twice...it left me feeling I will never try again...but the thought comes whenever there is no money and stress to pay bills....not always but sometimes....money lacking in my life has very much driven me for years....I wish that Money did not take precedence over God in my life but it has...I guess I pose as a christian and that sucks...I used to work in Christian radio stations....as DJ and was involved with my church but that has gone away now...
sorry I am stealing your thread....hugs bill lets be friends....
I also have self-esteem issues. I NEVER feel as if I measure up to ANYTHING that I'm doing. I'm never smart enough, strong enough, fast enough, caring enough, knowledgeable enough.... It doesn't matter to that dang voice in my head that I out perform most of my peers, adapt to crappy situations and excel. I feel like a poser, like someone pretending to be good enough. I feel like I have a mask on to project what I want the world to see. Inside I'm a ball of sadness, defeatism and despair. Sly
I do appreciate that you were a marine....that is a honor among men and you should show pride here....you did it did you not? I mean I couldn't have done it...I was whacked out drug freak who hated to run or lift weights or do push ups all that stuff sucked....
I could carry a gun for hunting but I refuse to get a conceal and carry in my state as I do not believe in protecting myself with deadly force....just a civilian I guess....but your highly specified training in weapons allows you some privileges....which pays those bills right? Hugs
I too had child abuse and low self esteem and a driven 'you're not good enough' belief. Anxiety, depression. I too have children - but I'm coming out the other side of that and want some sort of life of my own.
I understand what you mean. I've had one of my worst weeks ever and everyone is so quick to say "you need to do this or that". It doesnt help. I just wanted someone to listen and care.
I really hope that things improve for you!
Same here. I was about five years old when I began wondering whether there was anyone like me anywhere else in this world, and by my early twenties I was acutely aware of my being a chameleon being my only option.
We are not mentally ill, just socially challenged...and neither have I ever gained anything significant from any kind of therapist other than the one who told me where I could find permanent relief for my chronic alcoholism.
"A cruel God gave me a cruel life."
Nah, that is just what some religious folks say while trying to sell you on their particular brand. Suggestion: Get rid of all "Santa Claus Theology" and take a fresh look at all of that. By the standards of this world, I am a pathetic and pitiful old man with nothing (and I would agree if I knew nothing more)...but then neither can this world see inside.
Proud to be Christian - Ashamed of our Churches!