There is so much I could write about but I'll try to sum up my life as quickly as I can: I am a 46 year old married mother of 3. I have been a housewife for 22 years. My oldest daughter is almost 23 and just graduated from college in April and started veterinary school today. My son is almost 22 and just moved 2,000 miles away to finally start college after being in and out of trouble all throughout high school - smoking weed, giving teachers problems, gambling - praying he is finally matured. Then there is my youngest daughter, age of 16, who has special needs. She has had a rare form of epilepsy since the age of 2. She had heart surgery at age 6. She's diagnosed ADHD and has a severe learning disability (the correct term now is intellectually disabled) . She's at a 3rd grade reading level in 10th grade which she just started today. She's already called me upset no one she knows is in her lunch period. She wants to badly to fit in and not be in special classes. While most kids her age are learning to drive and have a boyfriend or girlfriend and many frlends, she can't drive and has no one calling her to do anything. When I was healthy I would always invite people over to our house and host parties/sleepovers and that was the only way she'd have people over. Which brings me to myself, laying in bed with severe depression, afraid to live and afraid to die. I grew up the baby of 7 in a row home, my family disn't have much money. My Dad drank a lot and my Mom was always sad. She lost my sister who was 9 when she was pregnant with me. I think I blocked out many of my early years. By the time I was 17 I had my first bout with panic attacks which led to major depression. My parents got me help through inpatient and outpatient psychiatric care, and I got it under control by the time I graduated high school and only stayed on my antidepressant Imipramine for a few months. I went on with my life, moving out from my parents at age 19, working full time and part time jobs to support myself, and met my husband and got married at age 22. I was expecting my oldest before the wedding. Then I had my son very soon after and we bought our first home. My husband has been controlling and abusive throughout our marriage. I left once for a week but went back. We fought a lot over the years. My kids grew up this way. I got through the next 25 years after my first depression at age 17 without incident - all through my tumultuous marriage, my youngest daughter's multiple hospitalizations (we almost lost her to seizures on more than one occasion), my son's troubles with the law from weed and juvenile delinquency, and having three children, a home, and in the past five years, two dogs as well. I lost my Mom in 2008 , my sister in law to breast cancer in 2010, and my Dad died in 2012 after living with us for 4 years following my Mom's death. He moved in with my sister who cared for him at the very end of his life. I had two affairs on my husband, one very early in my marriage after about three years of my husband's abuse, and one during the years my Dad lived with us before he died. Each guy was unmarried and no kids (not that that makes it okay in any way, I just never ruined anyone elses marriage or family, only my own). So during those years I believe I internalized a lot of my fears and anxiety, and I suffered with horrible irritable bowel syndrome and ulcerative proctitis which got worse before my Dad died and my gastroenterologist put me on a medication that was to help my ibs that I became addicted to. I have tried unsuccessful three times to get off of it and I finally did this year and now I'm bed ridden, insides are a mess, mind so messed up, it's unreal. My life has become very physically painful and mentally anguishing. I'm currently coming off my third antidepressant and trying a 4th one. Most days I won't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom or eat. I barely shower anymore. This is not me or how I was before. My husband took this entire summer off work and we talked endlessly about our problems, he forgave me for my affairs and I forgave him for his treatment. He took me all over to our favorite vacation spots this summer but it was very painful for me every where we went to know I'm no longer the same. I'm basically a total hypochondriac, with panic and anxiety, severe depression, who doesn't want to die, but can't imagine continuing to live like this. I've tried everything this year from inpatient to outpatient care, detox to get off the drug I was dependent on for three and a half years (now no one will prescribe a benzo for me and I don't want one after learning what it did to me), but no antI depressant has helped yet, and I'm only beginning to have regular therapy for myself and my husband promised me he'd go to his own for his anger and abuse, but I know he doesn't take it seriously. I have a sister, four brothers, three nieces and three nephews, three children, a husband, and many friends who care about me, but feel unable to help me. As tough as my childhood was, and despite what my parents went through, they were loving and strict devout Catholics. I lacked a father figure growing up because my Dad was drinking then. He never abused my Mom physically or swore or called her horrific names the way my husband has with me, but he was financially controlling snd could be demeaning at times. I am such a mess at age 46 at this very moment. It's hard for me to sort out my life and all my thoughts. The detox I went through in May was a mistake. I thought I was going to die and had basically given up on life. It's been a non stop battle since I came home and my husband nursed me through benzo withdrawal and all my ailments since. I constantly go to my doctor and have my bp taken and my heart listened to they say I'm okay but I feel anything but okay. My new gastroenteologist is very nice (I no longer see the prescription happy one who got me dependent on medication) but he isn't able to do a colonoscopy on me until the end of September and I am desperate something is wrong with me. I was once so sociable and outgoing, very chatty, with many friends. Now I went off all social media, and my days are spent feeling so alone. I go to bed at night longing for sleep and not truly wanting to wake up Does anyone relate to me? I'm losing hope by the minute. My children need their mother. Thank you to anyone who read all of this. Any feedback would be welcomed.