I feel better writing it out, letting others know my guilt, and crying it out like a little girl. So thanks if you read this

Yes I know that I answered myself at the end. Im just not thinking clearly

I don't think you're guilty about her dying because it sounds like you knew this was going to happen. It seems like it was just the wrong timing and nature of things, thinking you've ignored her in that important final moment of her life that has you upset.

I do know a thing about guilt, it can paralyze you or leave you feeling crushed but there are two important signs you stated that should encourage you move on. Seeing her in the dream when she told her it's not your fault (that can even be looked as a message from beyond) and of course her final wish. I know that must make you feel worse because you know you must live with all these negative thoughts. Of course you want to die, you must be in so much pain. But you have to just ride the storm because eventually things will get better. You just have to have hope and faith. And I really wish you the best of luck.

Your words are soothing. thank you

So sorry for all you have suffered.

Sorry for your loss, I understand how hard it is to lose someone you love from Suicide. I lost my father when I was 13, the sad part is I kind of knew in the back of my head he was thinking of doing it, he was very despondent for days, he would lie in the basement alone ect.

I played on my computer and ignored him in his moment of suffering, I think maybe if I would have tried talking to him it would have gave him some hope to continue, I'll never know. Another thing I feel some guilt for is when my brother overdosed off of heroin. I knew he was using,

I even saw him shooting up, but I ignored it thinking I don't want to be a snitch and rat my brother out. I let it continue without saying a word despite knowing the risks one takes when shooting up dope. Eventually he played Russian Roulette one too many times and overdosed.

My mom gave him CPR but he was brain dead. He died 13 days later. What if I would have called someone and got him help? Even though I would have told on him he would have been alive. My brother's death I could have prevented. So I understand how you the guilt feeling you have. In your case though how could you have possibly known that she was going to do that?

I understand the pain of losing someone you love though it's hell and it will most likely always be with you in some form. Just try to stay strong for your child and as cliche as it sounds take it one day at a time. Don't take your life your child will miss you and it will do major damage to him psychologically, trust me seeing my dad's corpse like I did after he killed himself that day killed something inside me and I'll never get it back.

Whatever else you are feeling stay strong for your kid, he needs you. I understand that guilt feeling though all too well, what if, what if. Just like in my situation what if I would have got my brother help in my case I could have prevented his death, in your case you had no idea she would do that. I wish you the best.

Please get counseling for yourself so that you can stay for your child. He needs you!! I don't think your wife committed suicide, but either way, you are NOT responsible for her death! She knew you were feeling that way and God allowed her to come back in a dream and tell you to let those feelings go. Listen to her......she does not want you to be like this!!
Hugs to you.

its not the same thing, i know, but...

it was my job to stay up all night and make sure my grandmother was ok... she was 91, and often needed help, often in the middle of the night... and i would check on her every hour or two to make sure she was ok

but then i got busy on my computer and didnt check on her for a couple hours... it was something id done a hundred times, and everything was ok... but that time, it wasnt... when i checked on her, she was gone

now im doing the same thing for my mom... and i know one day i'll fail at this too... theres no other way it can end

and then i'll have that guilt to live with too

isnt life fun that way?

/sigh

I'd like to share with you something that Dr. Phil had said to a guest on Oprah that never left me. The guest was a mother who lost her daughter. A decade later, she was still tangled up in her grief. Dr. Phil asked her if she thought her daughter would want her to be in so much pain, to which she said no. Then he said, "Maybe the betrayal is focusing on the day of her death rather than celebrating the event of her life. She lived for 18 vibrant years and you focus on the day she died." The woman said, "I never thought of it that way." and you could clearly see by her expression that it clicked. Later, in tears, she revealed that she was planning to end her life after the show. She returned to the show years later and said this about her daughter: "She continues to stay alive every time I do something positive." Her surviving daughter, who was in the audience at the first show and heard her mother say "I'm so sorry" to her when she revealed her plan to commit suicide, said "She went from existing to living. It was an amazing transformation."

Obviously I know that it's only been 8 mths. for you and the grief is fresh for you, which I hope you're in therapy for to help you get through all of the stages of grief that you will go through along with seeing a psychiatrist if your therapist feels you should get evaluated. However, I hope that it doesn't take 10 yrs. for someone to help you to see that focusing on her death isn't honoring her life.

You mentioned that you have a son. I hope that you're able to push yourself to do the work it's gonna take in order for you to get better over time so that you can be there for your son as he needs you. My daughter lost her father(though we weren't together since she was a baby), so I'm her only parent now. I haven't experienced loss like this, so you won't hear me say that I know how you feel. However, I do struggle with my illnesses and my desire to live(though I'd never take my life, I just want things to get better) and I also am not afraid of dying. That being said, my sole purpose in life(that I'm aware of now) is to be the best mom I can be to my daughter. She keeps me going when I just wanna give up. I hope that your son can do this for you as well.

I hope you don't think that I'm saying how you're feeling is wrong cuz that's not at all how I feel. I don't think that anyone is wrong for how they feel. Whether I understand their feelings are another thing, but I would never tell someone that they shouldn't feel a certain way. I hate when people say that. Just wanted to be clear about that.

Anyway, continue getting these feeling out through posts, journaling, therapy, or all of the above. It's very cathartic. I wish you nothing but the best as you work through all of this. Things will get better for you. You just need to try your best to be patient with the process.

Sorry , I do not mean to be insensitive , but I am confused. Did your wife die of natural causes or was it suicide ? When you said you knew for awhile , I assumed natural causes. I am truly sorry for your loss.

The first thing I want to let you know is that the dream of your wife comming to you was realy your wife comming to you .........she doesent want you feeling eney guilt because it is not your falt .......I have been with my mother and my h mother when they pased .......my h mother came to my h .........we were at the hosta ware the people who are dieing go to be comfortable and have the family around them I talked to Maney nurses with my husband and they told me it happens so often that the person there for the pashent misses the passing the will have gone to the bathroom or for somthing to eat or jus go for a little walk to star each there leages .......they say there has to be some reason for that ........all they new is it happened more often than not ............so your missing her passing does not mean you could of helped her just that maby shed ident want you to see that .....my husband mised his moms passing and it was bothering him that is why his mom came to him to give him her love and quiten his heart ........I saw her holding him ..........while he was holding her hand he didn't see her but when he put her hand dowen she had just left ..............he told me he felt like she was there and I told him she was that I saw her .........you need to be rembering the times you laughed together .....the good times .....celebrate her life ....people tell you it will take time to heal but the first thing you need to do is let go of that quilt you are.letting controll. You ......rember the dream when she came to you how did it feel I bet you felt loved ........rember that .....yes it will hurt for a long time but you have to move forward ......get help that you need .........you will never forgett her ...........you are not allowing your self to feel eney thing but guilt .....you are not forgiving your self for somthing that was not your falt you are not lisining to your wife who wants you not to feel guiltie......you are right no one can take that guilt away but you .........I think you are confused about your wife's final wish that is not to say that eney others are not eney less important ........but your wife's last wish was that you not feel guiltie .the dream was real ............I will keep you in my prayers ......please think about what I have ritten ...try it on .....god bless

Their are sweet angels here and for that I am blessed