I've never been officially diagnosed with depression. In the past, I wouldn't have categorized myself as having a chemical depression. I was bullied from the time I was 10 until my late 20s. I was taught to believe that I am nothing, that I'm not good enough, that no one would ever love me. I learned to believe what they said, and believe me, no one has hated me more than I've hated myself.

At the age of 24, I began to get counseling. It worked in varying degrees, but the cumulative impact of all of my counselors is the reason I am still here. It took a divorce, and a 4 month trip 10,000 miles from home for me to finally come to peace with who I am.

I prided myself on my determination to figure it out on my own. Hard work, endless self analysis, talking with my parents, those who loved me, and moments of complete vulnerability. It all gave me comfort when I finally figured out who I was, not who everyone told me I should be.

In three days, it will be a year since I came home from that trip. I had every reason to believe I had found my freedom. I couldn't have imagined what I would find once I settled back into life. The depression is back, and this time it has nothing to do with my self worth, and this time I think it's chemical.

Seven months ago, I got sick with viruses. I had five colds over winter, and I found I couldn't do anything. I missed an entire soccer season, I couldn't do yoga. My life was relegated to work, and spending my nights on the couch. Two and a half months ago I was diagnosed with subclinical hypothyroidism, a type of hypothyroidism that doesn't properly show up on lab tests, because my thyroid produces hormones, but my body can't convert my hormones properly. I also appear to have adrenal failure. With these invisible diseases I have fatigue levels that are unprecedented, weight gain that is unreasonable, and depression that cannot be tied to my past experiences.

The depression hasn't been too bad, but I do have days where I am weepy, and I just cannot control it. I am at the mercy of my bloody lab tests that my Dr seems to only want to pay attention to, and if my numbers don't show what he wants to see, I can't be medicated. I'm seeing a naturopath, and I am on supplements, but they haven't made any effect yet.

I struggle with the fact that my weight makes me feel ugly. I struggle with the fact that I don't have any energy to do ANYTHING. I struggle with the fact that my friends say "oh just go for a walk, you can do that, can't you?" I want to tell them that when I don't go for a walk, it's not because I couldn't be bothered, it's because I might fall over if I do.

I'm also struggling with the fact that the one person who gets me, the one person who loves and supports me to the end of the earth...my boyfriend...lives 1500 miles from me, in another country...and I can't just get him here to live here without marrying him. I love him. OMG do I love him! But after a divorce, I'm terrified of the failure.

Anyway...I am feeling so overwhelmed and down today. I feel like I'm losing friends (maybe they don't belong in my life anyway, but that's not the point). I've lost my ability to do the things I love because I simply do not have the energy to do them. I feel like I'm at the mercy of my Dr who will only treat me if the labs show what he wants to see...otherwise he blames my fatigue on completely unrelated things. And I feel like I'm waiting to be happy. I'm waiting for medications, I'm waiting for understanding, and I'm waiting for love. My life feels like a complete mess, and I am so bloody unhappy.

Here's what I'm most terrified of, though. Taking medication for depression. After going through depression based on what happened to me, I have this unreasonable belief that medication is a bad thing. I fought SO F**KING HARD to get my life right, and I DID! Even though I know the depression I feel now is due to medical reasons, I'm still terrified of going to that place where I have to admit that maybe I need medication. I'm so terrified to admit that. I'm terrified of the stigma. I don't know what to do!

Do I wait until my labs tell my Dr what he wants to see, and I get medicated for hypothyroidism and adrenal failure? Do I wait for my naturopath to treat me? Do I hope that getting treated in that way will help my depression? Or do I finally admit that I need medication?

Some people I know are so flippant about medication for depression. They say "Oh just take the happy pill, you have no idea how great it is". But I don't want to just mask things...I feel like that's what it does. I know that's probably an unreasonable understanding of it. But I am simply terrified of taking it and admitting I may need it.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and I don't know how to deal with this. I'm so terrified to admit it to anyone. I can tell my boyfriend only, maybe my one close friend. But I am so terrified to share it with anyone.