Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm trying as hard as possible to pull my life back together, as petty as this sounds, it isn't something that can be fixed with glue and determination.
People have it worse, yet I feel as though I am on the very verge of killing myself. I'm a coward, and it isn't fear holding me back, but rather the idea that I will only further disappoint people by doing so. I haven't made plans just yet, although I've imagine the various ways I can overdose, or hurl myself off the highway nearby my location, or anything. Human life is fragile and it would be so easy to give up right now.
Everyone has it worse, I know.
I'm failing two classes, (I swear, I'm trying my best, is that not good enough? Am I simply stupid?), I'm being pressured into winter college courses that I'm not sure I can even fit into my current schedule, I'm constantly balancing this cheerful facade and everyone expects me to be there for them, and I try to be, but I'm dying and I can't save them. I can barely keep myself alive. Today, within my group of "friends", someone joked about self-harm. I believe it was a stupid reference, something about cutting sideways for attention and long way for results, and I feel deeply insulted by this. (As of 11/28/17, 9:12 PM I am nine days clean, and might resort to self-harm like some "attention whore") A majority of them found it humorous. If I came out to them as some self-harmer, they'd only shun me for it. I don't know who I can trust. My family would flip if they knew, and I need support but I can't tell anyone about my invalid situations. Talking face to face makes me nervous because I instantly start "pretending" with people. I can feel myself suffocating under the pressure and nobody can see it.
I'm an atheist, asexual aromantic. I can't love (sexually or romantically) anybody, and someone I know brought up the fact that I would simply end up alone. I agree with this. It didn't initially bother me, until realizing it'd be more years of solitude and pretending that I'm not sure I can handle. I can't change my lacks of interests in that regard. As an atheist, your faith and others would do nothing for me. I am shunned for that too, for I simply m u s t have a religion or I'll burn in the hell I don't believe in.
At this rate, I'm going nowhere with my life anyways. I don't see the point. I don't have any redeeming qualities. I've wasted my time helping others, but I can't even save myself.
Suicide hotlines and the such haven't managed to help me and I don't know what to do.
As a 48 yr old woman I look at your post and I see one strong vein running through it: you have no voice. you aren't saying what you want, and you aren't defending it either.
No, you don't have to 'come out' or 'be real' or 'come clean' about yourself to others, no. But you do have to defend your ability to live.
You have to learn how to live on your own terms, and how to conserve energy, and most of all how to say no. How to withstand the thought of saying no, and then the giant explosion that's going to happen straight after... not. :p
We all have, as adults, to find out what we need to survive, and then defend it. I know I learned what those things were the same way you are doing: by discovering suicidal urges when i don't get it. By doing what I don't want to the point where I can't survive it, and the noise of the suffering becomes so loud I can't ignore it. The next thing you have to figure out is what these things are that are making you suicidal, what these needs you have that aren't being met are. And then you have to, as a matter of human survival, DEFEND those requirements because they are necessary for your continued existence.
This is normal. This is okay. This is self-discovery and it's a good education in metaphysics. :D Sorry. being tacky - but it is tho. you are discovering your inner terrain. learning what bangs your shins, and what tumbles you into a pit. None of it visible. None of it perceivable to others. Just to you - but still real. Very very real.
I know you're down right now, you're coming across as incredibly rational and sane, but down - and there's one danger that happens when you're down that you need to know exists. So I'll mention it before I go.
You lose all interest in sex and love.
So don't assume you're asexual or aromantic. Not until you are out of this state. It may be entirely true, but it also may be a temporary problem. My point is don't make rules for your existence. Take your existence day by day. You are your own experiment:
Live, and watch yourself living. You can figure this out.
Often we think no one else cares anyway, but suicide effects people that love you now, and people that knew you in the past. The other thing to consider is that whatever you are going through is TEMPORARY. I know it doesn't feel that way, and maybe it's even been there for a long time. But, asking for help is a good start. And this time can be temporary, and you can get through it.
But do not suffer without help. Please get on medication, although it might take a few weeks to get the full benefit, it's a start. And as hard as it is, talk to someone. Find a local group. If you can't find one on depression go to AA; they are everywhere and it's still a support group. I'd like you to think of another time in your life that was good or bad, and recognize that the moment in your life was temporary, and you eventually moved onto other moments. So if you can hold on and know that this too will pass, and you are bravely taking the first steps to ask for alternatives to taking your life, you will make it through this.