Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi My name is Sam. I've had reoccurring problems with depression and it seems like every time I get depressed it gets worse. Its recently reoccurred to me that I might actually have a serious problem (I suspected a few times before and have kind of tried to get help but didn't make too much of an effort). Looking back, each time I've had problems with depression its gotten progressively worse. The first time I can remember it getting pretty bad is in middle school when I would often think of killing myself every day and almost acted on it a few times.
Recently though, its gotten even worse. I've noticed that every time I get depressed like this I always get at least one new symptom to it (like the last time I would sometimes start to break down emotionally and start crying uncontrollably). This last time, its gotten to the point where I lose all appetite and sometimes will suddenly realize that I had only had like 3 meals in the past 4 days. I've gotten better at that but since I never actually felt hungry anymore I would just forget to eat.
I would also get emotional breakdowns a lot more often, like at least once a day and I usually try only to let them out in the mornings when I'm still in bed. As usual, when I'm depressed I never sleep well and in the past its gotten as bad as only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night.
I've gotten numb to the point where I have sometimes would have to be in real physical pain in order to actually feel it. I don't cut but I do walk quite a lot and I've noticed I can walk even longer now without getting tired or feeling my feet hurt. When I get blisters I usually pop them and I get blisters quite often because of all the walking.
For almost exactly a month I seemed to really be getting over it though. Things were starting to go really well until about a week ago. That's when I started to screw things up and now I'm depressed again, probably not as badly as I was but I still have emotional melt downs at least once a day (normally more than that).
I know at least some of the reasons why I'm getting like this this time but I don't want to try explaining it all in this post. It is quite a long story and needless to say involves a girl... two in fact, but only one I'm emotionally attached to.
I've fallen deeply in love with my best friend, and my love life has never been a good thing for me. She's actually been very different though. Through out all the things that have happened the past few months our friendship has survived. She's always been a really good friend to me and she's always very sweet and caring. Although she doesn't seem to think this of herself, she's actually a very positive influence on me and those around her.. but as usual that's all it can ever be.
We're actually very similar people and have many of the same problems socially and emotionally. We're both kind of shy (and in my case it used to be so bad that I could barely even speak to other's.. that's noticeably gotten much better over time though). Right now, we're both going through depression.
We've talked about my feelings for her a few times. I know I missed my chance with her, probably multiple times and now. We've mutually decided that we would only be really close friends but because of my more recent screw ups with her its going to take time to build things back up to being closer friends. Her main reason for not wanting to open up to me the way she used to is because she's worried that talking to her love life (which is usually what gets her down and depressed the way she is now) will only hurt me more. Although that's not exactly true anymore, its still going to take time for her to get used to that again.
The other girl is another good friend of both of us. Normally, this girl is a pretty positive influence on others and is usually very nice to everyone but lately she's been kind of negative. She's been telling me the same thing I often tell myself: She doesn't love you and she never did (meaning my best friend, mentioned above). I know she doesn't really mean this in the way I take it but it does still feed a kind of negative side of myself. "Of course she doesn't love me, how could she ever have loved someone like me." This girl has been rather negative towards all our friends lately.
So... I'm not here to ask for dating advice, I don't really need help with either the girl I'm in love with or my friend, I kind of already know what to do with the girl I'm in love with. The only thing that bothers me about the situation with the girl I'm in love with is that she's gotten kind of uncomfortable around me, to the point where she doesn't want to hang out one-on-one anymore.. at least not as often.
I am here mainly to open up and get advice on how to get better. I didn't want to say too much in this first post (partly because I did actually type up a really long post originally and then I accidentally erased it all). Its occurred to me a number of times that somehow I must have been hurt pretty badly and ever since then this deep emotional wound has only gotten worse. Some part of me, just beneath the surface doesn't want me to be happy for whatever reason and it drives me to do things to make sure I'm not happy. It keeps feeding the pain inside and keeps worsening things. Its the reason I screwed up so bad with this girl, and its the reason why I'm repeatedly in situations where I feel like there's no way out of my own despair.
I don't know what this deep emotional wound is, I don't know what this part of me that keeps me from being happy or getting better is but I really do want to figure it out. I want to break through it and I want to change. I want to heal. I need help.. I've gotten so bad that I break down every day. I'm having trouble sleeping again and my appetite is slowly disappearing.
Recently though, its gotten even worse. I've noticed that every time I get depressed like this I always get at least one new symptom to it (like the last time I would sometimes start to break down emotionally and start crying uncontrollably). This last time, its gotten to the point where I lose all appetite and sometimes will suddenly realize that I had only had like 3 meals in the past 4 days. I've gotten better at that but since I never actually felt hungry anymore I would just forget to eat.
I would also get emotional breakdowns a lot more often, like at least once a day and I usually try only to let them out in the mornings when I'm still in bed. As usual, when I'm depressed I never sleep well and in the past its gotten as bad as only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night.
I've gotten numb to the point where I have sometimes would have to be in real physical pain in order to actually feel it. I don't cut but I do walk quite a lot and I've noticed I can walk even longer now without getting tired or feeling my feet hurt. When I get blisters I usually pop them and I get blisters quite often because of all the walking.
For almost exactly a month I seemed to really be getting over it though. Things were starting to go really well until about a week ago. That's when I started to screw things up and now I'm depressed again, probably not as badly as I was but I still have emotional melt downs at least once a day (normally more than that).
I know at least some of the reasons why I'm getting like this this time but I don't want to try explaining it all in this post. It is quite a long story and needless to say involves a girl... two in fact, but only one I'm emotionally attached to.
I've fallen deeply in love with my best friend, and my love life has never been a good thing for me. She's actually been very different though. Through out all the things that have happened the past few months our friendship has survived. She's always been a really good friend to me and she's always very sweet and caring. Although she doesn't seem to think this of herself, she's actually a very positive influence on me and those around her.. but as usual that's all it can ever be.
We're actually very similar people and have many of the same problems socially and emotionally. We're both kind of shy (and in my case it used to be so bad that I could barely even speak to other's.. that's noticeably gotten much better over time though). Right now, we're both going through depression.
We've talked about my feelings for her a few times. I know I missed my chance with her, probably multiple times and now. We've mutually decided that we would only be really close friends but because of my more recent screw ups with her its going to take time to build things back up to being closer friends. Her main reason for not wanting to open up to me the way she used to is because she's worried that talking to her love life (which is usually what gets her down and depressed the way she is now) will only hurt me more. Although that's not exactly true anymore, its still going to take time for her to get used to that again.
The other girl is another good friend of both of us. Normally, this girl is a pretty positive influence on others and is usually very nice to everyone but lately she's been kind of negative. She's been telling me the same thing I often tell myself: She doesn't love you and she never did (meaning my best friend, mentioned above). I know she doesn't really mean this in the way I take it but it does still feed a kind of negative side of myself. "Of course she doesn't love me, how could she ever have loved someone like me." This girl has been rather negative towards all our friends lately.
So... I'm not here to ask for dating advice, I don't really need help with either the girl I'm in love with or my friend, I kind of already know what to do with the girl I'm in love with. The only thing that bothers me about the situation with the girl I'm in love with is that she's gotten kind of uncomfortable around me, to the point where she doesn't want to hang out one-on-one anymore.. at least not as often.
I am here mainly to open up and get advice on how to get better. I didn't want to say too much in this first post (partly because I did actually type up a really long post originally and then I accidentally erased it all). Its occurred to me a number of times that somehow I must have been hurt pretty badly and ever since then this deep emotional wound has only gotten worse. Some part of me, just beneath the surface doesn't want me to be happy for whatever reason and it drives me to do things to make sure I'm not happy. It keeps feeding the pain inside and keeps worsening things. Its the reason I screwed up so bad with this girl, and its the reason why I'm repeatedly in situations where I feel like there's no way out of my own despair.
I don't know what this deep emotional wound is, I don't know what this part of me that keeps me from being happy or getting better is but I really do want to figure it out. I want to break through it and I want to change. I want to heal. I need help.. I've gotten so bad that I break down every day. I'm having trouble sleeping again and my appetite is slowly disappearing.
The fact that you seem to be repeating your cycles of depression is of concern to me, especially since they are getting increasingly worse. I think that two things will happen when you take control of your health situation 1) you will feel better 2) you will be a better friend and have better friends as a result
You need to find a doctor.. a family doctor and make an appointment tomorrow. Explain that you have been extremely depressed, cannot sleep, and do not eat regularly. You should be seen very soon. You may want to write all your physical and emotional symptoms down on a piece of paper as well as your history.. This will help you when you visit your doctor so you don't forget to tell him/her anything. The kind of depression you are suffering from will not just go away. You need help to feel better, and deserve to feel better. You will be a good example for your friend who also has depression, and will be able to help her from that perspective.
Please stick around, get to know everyone,and let us know how things are going with you and if you have any more questions.
Just out of curiosity, what does this sound like? You said the kind of depression I'm suffering from doesn't just go away? I know from experience it doesn't. I did manage to kind of reason my way out of it (as one of my other good friends suggested) and, like I said, it worked for about a month. but it came back :(
Feel free to ask any more questions you may have.
nice to meet you, and i hope you find a lot of support and information here.
I second what sananni said, you need to see a doctor. See a family physician first to maybe run some tests or blood work to make sure no medical conditions are contributing to your depression (some can, such as thyroid problems and vitamin deficiencies). The doc can then move on to your emotional health or refer you to a psychiatrist. You said you've gotten help before but didn't put much effort into it. Did you see a therapist? Did they help? I think you should dedicate some effort into this. Therapists can really help you think through things, clear your mind, and give you tips on how to handle the despair and negative thoughts that run through your mind.
As for the girl you're in love with, it is normal that she's distancing herself now. I've been on that side of the table, where a good friend of mine told me he had feelings for me and wanted to date me. I didn't have the same feelings for him so I said I"m rather stay just friends. He kept trying and re-stating his request many many times. I think it is for good reason that your friend is declining to go out with you as a gf. Either she does not want to hurt you or hurt herself. As much as you'd love to be her bf, I think you should respect her decision for now. Who knows, she might come around (but I'd suggest you don't hold your breath). If you keep pushing, that'll drive her away, as already has happened. To be in this situation is really uncomfortable (from first hand experience) and can backfire, so you don't have her as a gf and neither as a friend. That's why I say be careful.
As for the other friend, one thing I've learned from life so far is to stay away from negative people!! You have no idea how contagious a pessimistic attitude can be. Especially when you're already depressed. "Protect your joy", someone once said to me. Watch out for those who steal your happiness or bring you down. Don't think that because she's your friend you have to be with her when she's being negative. That would be at the expense of your emotional health!
I know the feeling of a part of you not wanting to be happy. I have that too and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I think that I am *unable* to experience happiness, or when I do, it's very fleeting. I see others who are always laughing, always happy and I get jealous. I think it's partly a personality thing. Some people just find it harder to laugh. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone :) How is it that you do things to make sure you're not happy? Do you realize this as you're doing it? Maybe you can stop yourself or those negative thoughts before they kill your happiness- or prevent it from happening in the first place. You know, if you think you don't want to be happy, then you won't be happy, because as they say it's a "self-fulfilling prophecy". I think the first step here would be that you stop thinking that- train yourself to think otherwise. Tell yourself you want to and can be happy. Challenge those negative, gloomy thoughts. You'd have to make positive affirmations and repeat them to yourself everyday. Not just once or twice, because you are re-programming your brain so it will take time.
Anyway, sorry I went on forever, but I hope you find some of this useful. I am here for you anytime.
noha
I agree with sananni. You need to see a dr and seek help for the depression. I too have tried to ignore my depression away, deny I have it or tried to talk myself out of it. Until you actually get professional help it will just keep coming back just like mine always did. A few good days or weeks or even months doesn't mean it's gone for good. Depression is an illness that needs to be managed and you can learn to do that. By managed I mean you need to learn how to take care of yourself to prevent it from coming back once you do get to feeling better.
Maybe you'll need to get into therapy to get to the bottom of the depression. Many mental health clinics offer counseling on a sliding scale. I've paid a little as $5 per session. Of course that was when I had no income at all but my point is don't shy away from seeking therapy because you think you can't afford it.
Also I want to warn you in advance, you might need to shop around for a therapist that is a good fit for you. Sometimes it takes several tries to find one you "click" with. There are a lot of bad therapists out there so if the first or second one you see doesn't work out for you don't give up. Like I said, shop around if need be.
I'm glad you're here. Hope it helps and best of luck toyou.
The most important thing I had to learn was that my feelings for her don't need to be as painful or as harmful as they had been. When I realized that I stopped pursuing her. It took no effort at all to improve things as much as I had, and for an entire month things were better than ever before with her.. unfortunately it took almost no effort to ruin it all too.
I'm not entirely sure of everything I might've said or done to get her worrying about my feelings so much more than normal but apparently I must have done more than I thought.. which to me is a sign that that one part of me that doesn't want me to be happy still makes me do things I'll regret later.
If we are meant to someday be together then I don't care how long I it takes or what happens. I'll just keep things on a positive, happy note with her.
I don't really care about my love life all that much. Even though I really want an intense, loving, romantic relationship I've come to realize I'd be perfectly happy with just really close friends. My love life has only ever brought me despair and this is the first girl who has ever actually kept such a close friendship even after finding out that I've developed such strong feelings for. She actually wants a close relationship with me! I've been really lucky with her all along and I don't intend on asking for more than she's willing to give, she knows that. I'd rather be really close friends with someone for years to come than boyfriend and girlfriend for just a little while and then lose the closeness. I'm more afraid of losing close relationships than I am of never having them.
The thing is, I know at some point she did have feelings for me and I had the perfect opportunity. The time came and went but in a weird way, I don't think its really our time. There are soo many reasons, both personal or psychological that I didn't ask her out when I really should have and she's been slowly and carefully "untying my knots" as my friend put it. She's helped me through so much and I've improved so much as a person because of my friendship with her. My relationship, regardless of its context has been really positive for me so far.
So, basically for now and possibly indefinitely I'm going to keep pursuing just that close friendship I know we both need (and we both admit it too).
Or it could be that once you told her of your feelings for her you had already crossed the boundry line. If thats the case it's impossible to uncross it. No matter how sincere you are perhaps she is afraid you're just bideing your time waiting for something she knows will never happen. You did say didn't you that you'd rather just be friends until she realizes she loves you?
If she also has depression then maybe she's doing what she knows she needs to do to take care of herself. (Gentle voice) It is your job ot take care of yourself in regards to your depression and her job to take care of herself in regards to her depression. She can't "fix" you and you can't "fix" her.
Again, I urge you to seek professional help for your depression. Or at the very least see a dr and see if he thinks you need an anti depressant. I don't think it's going to go away without help and a friend can't make it go away no matter how well meaning that friend might be.
Go and get some kind of counseling, i know they have teaching ones, that are overlooked by an professional but you get an reduced rate, and the benefit of someone young and open minded to really help you. It may be chemical, have you taken anything like meds that maybe push you in to that depressive state, or maybe you are lacking something and need some meds.
Since it seems to only happen every once and awhile it can be situational depression, and as why it is getting worse it can be just escalating.
Good luck and i hope you feel better, and catch the girl
I honestly do think she has been completely honest with me. True, she does deny things but she kinda does that pretty rarely and I don't think I've ever really known her to lie to me. Like I said, this friendship is usually pretty open and honest. She told me herself that she'll eventually warm up to me again, its just going to take time for her and patience from me (which is perfectly fine with me, my patience for these things usually takes a long time to wear down).
Today's been somewhat better, no emotional breakdowns yet though every once in a while I'll feel them coming on. I had a pretty nice day yesterday, though it was kind of long. I went for a long hike on a trail I had only fallowed half-way before and found some amazing spots to just sit down and think. Then in the afternoon I had a long talk with two of my friends (neither of them being the girl) and I told them whats been on my mind.
I know that my depression isn't gone for good so while I'm feeling better I'm going to try and keep it that way. My friend's suggested (and I agree with them) exercise, eating better, and keeping a journal.
Right now I don't have the money or resources to see a doctor or a counselor but I probably will when I do. Until then I need to work on myself more, I know there's a lot of things I still need to change and improve and I never would have gotten this far if it weren't for my friends. Especially the girl I like. I think even she sees how much this friendship has probably improved us both. The good still way out weighs the bad.
I hope you'll stick around so we can get to know more about you and help support you in your healing. BTW since you can't afford to get into therapy, and a lot of ppl can't, then self help books are also helpful.