Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Ever since J and I broke up in August of 2008 it's been a weird cycle for me. For about the first 8 or so months it was really hard and I couldn't stop thinking about him.. thought about him constantly. Missed him like hell. Had no interest in dating or sleeping with anyone else. In short I was a total wreck and it took me a long long time to get over him.
FYI: he was my first love. I was positive we were going to become a family one day - he was my Mr Right. Before I met him I didn't even believe in "true love" - I believed in love, sure, but I never bought into the idea that there is one person out there who is just for you. I couldn't help but believe in it when I fell for him. He was just so perfect. But, alas, I am now back to believing that the concept of "one true love" is Disney bullshit and nothing more (I DO believe in love tho).
Anyways... after a while the pain lessened and eventually ended. I stopped thinking about him all the time, etc. There was a substantial period of time when I rarely thought about him at all - you could say I was 100% over him.
But recently I've been with a guy. We're not dating because he is moving to Ontario at the end of the summer for school, so it would be silly to get into a relationship. But we are sleeping together regularly, cuddling, and all that other stuff ya do with a boyfriend.
Well... last night I spent the night at his place and while we were having sex I kept picturing J... I kept trying to push him out of my mind and had a hard time getting into it because I was concentrating so hard on making sure I didn't accidentally say his name (an instant killer of any relationship with a guy.....)
It was just so weird. And all night when we were cuddling and trying to sleep and everything I kept thinking about and picturing J in my head.
Why would that happen out of no where???
The part that scares me is that after we finished and we were cuddling, I found it comforting to close my eyes and pretend he was J.... I know / knew it was stupid but I couldn't help it anyways and then it just started to feel good.
I feel bad because it's not fair to the new guy to be my "pretend J" (obviously I will never tell him but still!)
What do I do?!?!?!
FYI: he was my first love. I was positive we were going to become a family one day - he was my Mr Right. Before I met him I didn't even believe in "true love" - I believed in love, sure, but I never bought into the idea that there is one person out there who is just for you. I couldn't help but believe in it when I fell for him. He was just so perfect. But, alas, I am now back to believing that the concept of "one true love" is Disney bullshit and nothing more (I DO believe in love tho).
Anyways... after a while the pain lessened and eventually ended. I stopped thinking about him all the time, etc. There was a substantial period of time when I rarely thought about him at all - you could say I was 100% over him.
But recently I've been with a guy. We're not dating because he is moving to Ontario at the end of the summer for school, so it would be silly to get into a relationship. But we are sleeping together regularly, cuddling, and all that other stuff ya do with a boyfriend.
Well... last night I spent the night at his place and while we were having sex I kept picturing J... I kept trying to push him out of my mind and had a hard time getting into it because I was concentrating so hard on making sure I didn't accidentally say his name (an instant killer of any relationship with a guy.....)
It was just so weird. And all night when we were cuddling and trying to sleep and everything I kept thinking about and picturing J in my head.
Why would that happen out of no where???
The part that scares me is that after we finished and we were cuddling, I found it comforting to close my eyes and pretend he was J.... I know / knew it was stupid but I couldn't help it anyways and then it just started to feel good.
I feel bad because it's not fair to the new guy to be my "pretend J" (obviously I will never tell him but still!)
What do I do?!?!?!
Wow, big question but, maybe it's a projection of the love you felt and not necessarily wanting to be with him. Kind of either way it sounds like wanting something you're not getting? The love? Well, you broke up with J for a reason so... I'm guessing that it's just that wanting back what you know wouldn't be the same even if you did - thing that's happened to many of us. BUT if it's that 'love' feeling you're wanting, I think I'd at least think about this present relationship and imagining at the very least a love you're not having.
Nu uh, pretend J wouldn't like it, but more to the point do YOU like it and can you live with it?
I think it's just that I want those kinds of feelings back again, but I don't have those feelings for the new guy. I don't know how I feel about him at all actually. I enjoy hanging out with him, and I like him as a person, and I find him super attractive physically... but I don't have romantic feelings for him at all. I tried to, but it's just not there.
I never minded being single before I met J.. but ever since him maybe I've realized how great love can be and I want that back?
Maybe if you realized that fact this guy is just a different kind of thing, don't know if you're saying love really but could be eventually but no it's not going to be the same exactly anyway.
Personally I'm not sure if I could even function for years in the state I was in with the first love anyway LOL! real life with a person every single day is more up and down, not head over heals every moment.. at least for me.
Since you don't have the wonderful feelings for this guy you used to have with J, it's not unusual for you to think of him when you "go there" physically, even hugging.
As long as you understand what is happening, and you can handle it without calling him J out loud, I guess it's okay.
A part of you will always love J. But there will be someone who comes along that will make you forget all about him...
((hugs))
while it`s certainly not something you should tell the guy, it`s also not terribly fair, but given that you both know this relationship is finite, perhaps the fairness is negated slightly and if you can get some emotional healing from it then maybe it was just a natural thing for your psyche to do.
just try not to hurt yourself or anyone else.
good luck!