I tried to post earlier hopefully this time would work, I’m not sure which group to post in but I guess it’s a little bit of all so I go back to my familiar depression...

today is Easter which Sundays and holidays in general are hard for me, the only family I have left is a brother who is sick, so sometimes when I see families together it kinda makes me feel as though somethings wrong with me not to have one.

i woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was of my ex psychopath I suffer from ptsd from the trauma of the relationship, I have this inner turmoil everyday of repulsion and longing to see him, I deluded myself into thinking maybe he will change, he has his own business and it’s doing really good and he seems more together but the truth is he is a sadistic psychopath and they can’t change they have faulty brain wiring it’s impossible! 

I have read countless books,articles blogs on the subject and it is all he same conclusion it’s also because of this sick twisted addiction trauma bond that I share with him, everything says with time and self love it will get better, I’m trying to self love but it’s hard when my whole life I have had self hatred not sure exactly why but I can piece somethings together

no one understands I got into a fight with my brother on the phone and he said some really mean stuff that just made me feel more hurt, how can u even talk about him, do you like to be abused, I told him to read up about trauma bonds with a psychopath, I feel so alone and have no one to talk to I have a couple of “friends” but they can’t understand either 

I am a compassionate, empathetic, kind person that’s why I carry a lot of guilt from him turning everything around on me and making me feel everything was my fault (it’s so sick cos he was the one who abused me) 

sometimes I really feel like giving up I am so sick of this pain I carry, one day when I was 15 I went to a psychic and I walked in the room and he looked at me and said don’t do it, don’t kill yourself, it was so weird cos as I look back that was the age where I had first had thoughts about it.

i wouldn’t do it now but as the time goes by the depression just get worse, and I really at times don’t trust myself.

it kills me too because I am sitting here in all this terrible darkness and my ex is probably having a great day with his gf and not even remembering I exist, that could all be wrong but that’s how I feel

when does the pain ever go away, when am I going to get over him because I can’t keep being in denial I still love him do I love a person who was never real probably, is it that I’m so lonely maybe, all I know that it’s this never ending suffocating darkness that tries to keep pulled me me under and sometimes I can get to a place where I think I have actually found the strength I used to have before all the trauma with him then I go spiritually down again, they say I have bipolar yet I haven’t had a manic episode in years all it is degrees of depression

He will just show up at my house and if he did now I wouldn’t trust myself to be strong but every time I let him back in it just hurts so much worse

i wanted to thank everyone on here for reading my posts and reaching out to me it helps so much to have a safe place to go, Instead of just crying to myself