There is a path through this, other have found theirs and you can find yours.

I have found mine, for the most part. I'm not in the best place that I can imagine, but I'm in a good place that works for me most of the time.

We rarely get to choose things like how we will die. We can choose to do small kindnesses for ourselves or others. Doing so, can lesson the darkness you find yourself in. I hope you choose to move forward and that things improve.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I have seen othr posts from you and it seems this has been going on for you for a long time. Are you on medication? Are you seeing a therapist? If meds aren't working have you considered ECT's? There's also the FIsher Wallace Stimulator if you have an extra
$700, although they do accept payment plans and it comes with a 30 day money back guarantee. And there's transcranial magnetic stimulation.

I've been on many cocktails ; none were effective now did I have much hope they would...no surprise coming from a dedicated pessimist...I truly believe this was the "life" I was meant to have...

What about the other suggestions I made? Are you willing to look into any of them? You've suffered long enough.

Heidi, I have given up and do not have any will left - what purpose is it to continue to fight when I see no value in it...the constant daily struggle just to will myself out of bed. It is comparable to the employee who's worked everyday the last 40 yrs at a job he hates...No! - I am not willing to consider any options to salvage my existence for further suffering - 50 years is plenty long enough to be here - the next formidable opportunity that comes along, I'm getting off this ride...

Hi mal - I tried to send you a hug but it was "disconnected" (ha ha - not funny). Just wanted to say that I do care about you. I think many do -- We all want to provide solutions -- sometimes as you know there is no solution one way or the other. Still I hope for small moments of peace for you..

I have thought those exact thoughts. Please don't give up. I know you just want to get away from this pain and you can. ECT has been a major life saving solution for my aunt when all other medications have done nothing. Do you have family that you can talk to?

Sorry to hear you feel this way, you took the words out of my keyboard...I feel the exact same way. They should have assisted euthanasia available anytime you want, animals get put to sleep if they are suffering yet humans need to keep enduring it?! Makes no sense to me, I still hope you can recover though and some of the suggestions help you.
Peace

I am doing just enough to make it thru the day to get to another day; sometimes tho I have to take a hiatus and just lay in bed or lounge...I don't have the energy to get better but I can't afford to get worse...

Wow. Depression knocks us on our ass for sure. This is why I ride a bicycle...long distances. It helps me push through the mental and emotional meagers and find a state of warmth, good humor strength and well-being. Ever tried bicycling?

I haven't been on a bike in decades; I can see how it could be invigorating...

It wouldn't take much time or energy for you to get some ECT treatments. They have a very high success rate for those who do not respond to meds. What do you have to lose at this point?

Mal. I understand. I had cancer in 2005 And 2007. I fought SO HARD to beat it and I did!!!! I wasn't as badly depressed as I am now. Fast forward 9 years and I wish I wouldn't havefound the cancer until it was too late. I recently found out that I have major scar tissue as a result of my multiple cancer surgeries. It has been making me miserable for like 6 years. Found out recently that I could have life threatening bowel obstructions. At this point I am like "oh well..bring it". I have lost SO MANY friends to theirs cancer. I would do anything to trade places. I'm ready.

Dawn76: Family doesn't understand; their perception is that it is exclusively circumstantial...they bring up others who are 'worse off ' either financially, living conditions, relationships, etc. I do not have a rebuttal, at least none that I can articulate so it is futile to discuss further...

Heidi: It's not that I have anything to lose, it's that I have nothing to gain - I DO NOT want to be here any longer; my focus is on eternal destiny; my hope in this world has neared its expiration...