I am not even sure why I am posting. Its been 2 wks now and I have been trying to keep my head above water.  I didn't want to fall into a stupid depression or allow my negativity to take over. I made a to do list, I thought of how I could control me if not what is going on around me. I tried to focus and not get panicked.  I used all the stupid skills I am supposed to use when things fall apart around me.

But each day it just gets worse. Oh it is just little things granted........stupid doctor's, -40* weather, frozen up truck, broken toe (yeah that's what happens when you drop a frozen ham on it. Overtired, worn out, sick  of fighting, referral appts not booked, snow.........like I said small things. But small things yeah well after a huge crisis.................well that is what wear's you down. 

Guess I should start at the beginning...on the 7th hubby fell off the trailer and broke his wrist. I would say thank god it happened at work and he can claim WCB, but thanks to a Dr marking the wrong boxes on the form its going to be a fight....Not to mention the fact that for the first time in over a decade, we were actually making good money, there was actually savings in the bank. I was actually feeling hopefull and making plans for the future. 

So in the last 2 wks I have lost my job my income my security, in essence my husband.....it is a bad break and he is in  a lot of pain. So all I do is take care of him and try to deal with my mom and her depression, worried about daughter and granddaughter as daughter's husband got laid off the week before CHristmas -- I wasn't too worried he was sort of scheduled to go back 1st or 2nd wk in Jan, and we were ,making good money it wasn't like we couldn't have helped them. Of course trying to deal with all of this while trying to deal with my SAD is not helping either.

Yep the story of my life..............."cheer up it could be worse"  "I cheered up it got so much worse!"
So now I just want to end it.......so sick of trying so sick of trying. I can't keep my head above water. I just can't. It's too much all of it is too much. Oh and to put the cherry on top of it....3 days after hubby fell, I got a panicked message from my cousin saying that my brother was in the hospital and only had 3 days to live could I get a hold of his son (who he hasn't spoken too or cared about in years)

So then 3 days of family drama insued. I have to fight off my co dependant tendencise. It brough up a bunch of stuff on addicts and childhood and all the guilt and pain etc etc etc. 

There is only so much I can take........I don't want to take anymore. No more worry or fear or pain or loss or wondering or any of it. I want a normal decent life...........no BS.....I am sick of the rug being ripped out from under me.