Depression Support Group
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Just a quick background on myself. I am 23 and recently married. My husband is a student and is bringing in a limited salary right now, so I need to get a job. I am a trained teacher and have just graduated. I also have a lot of experience, however, this doesn't seem to help, as I can't even find a min. wage position. My mother has a very rare soft tissue cancer that she has been dealing with for about 15 years. It has recently spread to her lungs and the doctors think (although what do doctors know) that she has about 5 years left. I feel like I need to have a baby soon, so that I am able to experience having a child while my mom is still around. However, I need to work to bring in enough money to get by. If I'm working, there won't be anyone to take care of the baby. Its just a vicious cycle. If my mom isn't there to share the experience of my first child with me, I don't feel like I would be able to do it, because I would feel like I wouldn't be able to be happy about being a mom, I would just feel sad about not having my mom there. I wish that there was a way that I could make money and have a baby, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I just don't want to wait to long, because then I will just regret not having my mom there. We are all very family oriented, and having a grandchild would be the best thing my mom would experience. I want more than anything to have a child, but I just don't see anyway to do this. I just really needed to get that off my chest. I just don't know what to do!
Uh, .. presumably, a lot more than non doctors.
You entirely entitled to your goals and dreams. The thing about that is being realistic. I understand your motives and rationale. Wanting to 'give' your dear Mother a grandbaby is noble and understandable, but I am not sure it should be the prime reason to have a baby. I also think your husband should have some part in the decision.
You mention there are financial constraints. I think part of a well planned pregnancy is reasonable financial security (though many don't seem to care about that).
Having a baby brings many joys. It brings huge responsibilities also. There are large financial issues. Stability is important. The Mother (usually) trades living most of her life for herself to living most of it for the baby. The marriage has to be stable and healthy (not that yours isn't). There has to be a good healthcare system in place (in case there are problems).
To rush to have a baby as a overture to its grandmother is not a good reason, in my humble opinion.
As for my comment about "what do doctors know", I have a great deal of dislike for doctors. My mother first developed her cancer when I was age 6, and because it was found soon enough, it was able to be removed. About a year later she started having symptoms again and went to a new doctor, as we had recently moved to a new city. She felt the tumor returning as well, but the doctor told her it was just "scar tissue" from her previous surgery. She was actually told this by more then 1 doctor as well. For years she kept going back insisting that the cancer was back, and they just kept saying that it was scar tissue. By the time she finally saw a doctor that knew what they were talking about, it was too late to be removed, as it had grown with many nerves running through and around it. So, it is my belief that there are a plethora of doctors out there that just don't know what they are doing. I know there are many good ones as well, but none that I have ever met.
Not that you would make your decision on my input, but with the recent info you give .. I would not criticize you for following through.
I just think of the many Mothers who love their babies endlessly, but struggle terribly .... repeat, terribly. If you think you have an even chance of a more enhanced life with a baby, go for it.
Good parents find ways .. and I am sure you and your good husband would do the same.
Also, your Mother will leave this earth one day. The loss will be terrible, but even then, you must be able to be the Mother your child needs. See your motherhood beyond your Mother's life as well as during your Mother's life.
what to do when they have a child but it all does fall into place.
Having a child brings up some beautiful feelings that you never knew
you had until the child arrives. It is a wonderful experience.
It is understandable that you want your mother here to have the
experience of being a grandmother but I do have a suggestion: have
a baby for yourself and your husband. Your mother will be with
you no matter if it is on this earth or the next step we go to. You'll
feel her presence.