I feel terrible, i feel like my life has been a total failure, Ive tried my best though and this illness has got the better of me many a time i cant seem to shake it off ive been trying for years no one can tell me that i havent fought this thing hard, no one seems to know i have it in fact someone commented the other day that Richard is in a bad mood which is strange as he is always happy, I mean that couldnt be further from the truth, when i was a kid I was paranoid all the time how the hell I achieved anything is beyond belief i must have been one tough kid but at one point i was bullied at school in my road and at home no one knew i didnt know how to express myself then and to a point i still dont now, ive been a manager for 6 years now which is so so tough for me cause i have to pretend to be tough everyday but i like the respect i get to be honest.



At the moment im on my 3rd girl friend since i done my leg in 8 months ago, not something im proud of but thats the way its been, the girl im seeing now is probably the least nice and biggest user of people of them all, but im crazy about her which is not good as i think my life has lost focus since i started seeing her, I dont really trust her but then i think am i being paranoid and i fall for girls too easily maybe its just that i like to feel cared about and to feel loved, im not really sure what to do about her wether to end it or not if i do it will be one of the hardest decisions ive ever had to make.



I just want to be happy and my brain is so in a mess i dont know if thats ever going to be possible i hope it is but im so insecure its not funny, I have alot of things going for me in my life

but still i feel worthless, Ive always been emotionally weak its been the birdon of my life. I have so much determination but my focus always lets my down.

I am always there for my friends but it feels like they try to use me, it feels like to me whats the point in being good to people in this world if all they do is try and get more and more from you,

I want to be a really assertive person but not sure that its in my nature i try and try to be but i either wimp out of situations or let my emotions get out of control.



I hate myself so much i dont know why most people i know like me only people that dont i think are my brothers and maybe thats cause they see something in me that they dislike in themselves, I always feel anxious as well and at unease counseller i saw a few years ago said that it wasent suprising because what i went through, to be honest my life seems easier when i was speaking to a counsellor or a physcietrist (i cant spell) it felt like i could speak to someone neutral and have goals to aim for,



Yesterday i wanted to pack up my things and run away i was so sad i hadnt had a good nights sleep in 3 days and i kept tellin myself thats why i feel so depressed but it didnt stop the voices in my head tellin me life would be alot simpler if i just ran away to another country and forgot all my problems for a bit and then kill myself when the money ran out rather then face up to coming back stupid thoughts i know, my mother ran away when she was young from her family and my brother ran away too so i suppose its in my dna to think like that, im really glad i didnt go through with it, im scared that one day i will kill my self if my thoughts get too overwhelming.



I want to cry but it feels like i cant!