My birthday was friday. My birthday is also my wedding aniversary. I am 35 and have been married for 11 years. 

I ddn't get to see my husband or kids on that day. I never do. I work too hard. 

My back and hand hurt so bad, it took every once of me to not grab something sharp and try to cut my hand off or drive into oncoming traffic. Pain meds do not help. They only make me tired and I cannot afford to sleep.

Enduring extreme pain, the lack of sleep, and the feeling of isolation every day gets to me. 

I have been trying to play the part.... for months..... years.... It never seems to get better. 

I finally couldn't take it and sat down with my husband last nigt before work and told him how my depression is taking over. His responce... he is scared of me. 

SCARED OF ME! I thought he was my Yoke - my equal. I could share my life with him. He would help me as much as I have helped him. instaed he is scared of me. 

I don't even know how to respond. I especially do not know how to go on. 

I am a licenced youth instructor of rifelry and archery .... on top of many other things. And I told my husband to hide my guns from me. 

The only thing pushing me forward each day was my family, and I am scarey to them. 

How do I go on. What do I have to live for?

I will keep pushing myself, but I am not sure why anymore. I just don't trust myself. 

Help me find value in my life again. 

:( Susie